Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 30, 2009

Just a few short weeks away from the end of the year, where, if tradition strikes us and once again takes hold, we'll be presenting our Year End Lists. In the meantime, we're back with another round up of our awards for the week. Let's get the ball rolling.

Going Straight Award
Have you ever really wanted to kill someone? Actually, never mind. We just don't want to know that badly (but a quick thanks to anyone reading us in prison!). Anyways, we're pretty sure that people who have been in that position often find themselves there because they were wronged, or because they've been walking down a path towards a life of crime anyways. We'd hate to think that there are a few people who have committed such a crime because of hair care products, but hey, sometimes you really need to get that straightener back. Imagine what might have happened if extension had been involved.

Stay Off Your Own Lawn Award
Bet you never thought that you could find yourself under arrest for trespassing on your own property. A Wisconsin man had that exact thing happen to him recently, after a dispute with a work crew installing a pipeline through his land. This is exactly why we so rarely leave the comfort of our bedroom.

Burn, Baby, Burn Award
Let's say that you find out your husband is potentially cheating on you. Do you get revenge by having an affair of your own? Maybe performing a little surgery? Setting his private parts on fire? Guys, seriously, this is a concern. So maybe try to be a little faithful... not all of you will get beaten up with your own golf clubs.

A Generous Thanks Award
It isn't every day that a would-be robber can be reformed with a simple act of kindness, but a store owner in New York was rewarded for doing just that. After stopping a man from robbing him, the store owner gave the culprit some cash and some food. He has since received a letter of thanks, and a return on his investment. Sometimes, it really does pay to have faith in the inherent goodness of people.

Lost in Translation Award
One would hope that, if they ever are forced to go to court for a crime, they will be able to speak the language of the judge. If not, they should certainly hope that they'll receive a translator who doesn't skew your answers. That didn't happen for a Laotian immigrant in a Nevada court of law, but, even with the errors, the evidence was enough to uphold the decision. And this is why we never plan on committing crimes in foreign countries. We have enough problems with English.

Cut and Cut Award
Be careful when filming your low budget movie. You might get the police called on you. That's what happened for a group filming a horror movie in California, as the screams of an actress drew concern from people in the area. Another option might be to let as much of the immediate area know that a movie is being shot there, but then you run the risk of having your craft services raided by well-meaning, but hungry, suburbanites.

Heavage? Really? Award
Thank you, Wall Street Journal. Thank you for the in-depth reporting. Thanks for covering what matters. Thanks for letting us know that more men are wearing "chest-baring" shirts, and that the term for such a display has been coined as "heavage". Where else could we find such useful information, short of looking at the supermarket tabloids, or the celebrity magazines. We're proud to see such high class information coming from such an esteemed news organization.

That wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll see you next Friday. Stay safe out there.