Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 21, 2009

It's finally arrived, folks. The summer has ended, and with it, we've been saddled with the crush of fall colors, autumn-themed food items, and the crisp snap to the air that brings an extra awareness to the world. Hey, we'll take it. After all, it isn't winter. So let's start out our awards!

Brilliant! Award
Just a quick moment to say "Happy Birthday" to Guinness beer. Signing a 9000-year lease may have seemed crazy at the time, but we'd have to imagine that the company is going to be locked in to a pretty good rate for the remaining 8750 years.

A Fairy Nice Tree Award
If you live in Denver, you may wake up one morning with something new in your front yard. No, nothing disgusting, unless you really don't like trees. It's all the work of a Tree Fairy, who has taken it upon themselves to plant a number of trees in their neighborhood. Needless to say, the Tree Fairy is much more welcome than the Shattered Egg Fairy, or the Toilet Paper Fairy.

Crash Poof Award
A woman in Indianapolis recently awoke to find her kitchen missing. Well, it wasn't quite missing, but the car that had rammed into her house was. This is exactly why teleportation is still not available to the common person, and also why we don't have nice things.

Necroporn Debt Award
Okay, so it's not really a death-porn debt that we're talking about. The actual situation is weirder, as a woman in Austin took money from a dead body to recover debt for the porn that she'd sold him. Yes, while he was alive. No word on whether this is simply marketing for a new line of zombie movies.

A Little Too Effective Award
Isn't it sad when a school throws a lockdown, and nobody attends? Well, maybe sad isn't right. Maybe it's a good thing, because the point of a lockdown is to ensure student safety, and if the kids aren't at the school, they're probably away from the danger. Next week, the school plans on holding a fire drill on Saturday.

Scratching Takes Too Long Award
A robber in Georgia might be a little ashamed after getting home with their prize from a convenience store. After all, how many uses can you think of for already used lottery tickets? On the flip side, the burglar will get to see what other people won, and dream.

Hey Larry? About Your Gun Award
While it seems like stories about armed robberies appear in the news all the time, it isn't every day that a story includes the quote, "Please give me the gun back. It's not my gun," as a part of the retelling of the incident. That's what makes today, and this story from North Carolina, special. This crook is probably the neighbor who doesn't give back your garden shears, either.

And that wraps up our awards for another week. Stay safe out there.