Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 7, 2009

Here we sit at the end of another week. Much like other weeks, weirdness seemed to prevail, but it can never be bad when some bugs and a number reign supreme at the end of it all. So let's move on to our awards.

Traffic Offensive Award
Just because you drive a van, it doesn't mean you have to take it out on anyone else. Least of all, a sheriff's deputy. No word on whether the van was driven by meddling kids or not.

Do As I, Um Award
This may come as a no-brainer to a lot of people, but when you set yourself up as an anti-drug voice, you should probably shouldn't grow your own. The grower was totally going to keep himself out of anti-drug commercials, but he got high.

Ready, Fire, Aim Award
Tear gas can be a wonderful tool, helping police avoid more serious situations. Unfortunately for some Pennsylvania police, it isn't nearly as effective when shot into the wrong house. An apologetic fruit basket is being sent next door.

She Was Going to Fight Back Award
Often, we applaud the police for using non-lethal means of controlling a suspect. However, when that suspect is a 61-year-old woman, and the police are using pepper spray, we have to agree with the thought of firing those responsible. In the officer's defense, it was the only way to keep her from offering him a hard candy.

Beware the Butt Award
We all know just how dangerous wild butts can be. But did you know how dangerous they could be when in proximity to a cell phone? No, the article wasn't just an excuse to show a picture of young women's backsides. No, seriously. Stop even suggesting it. This is a serious topic. Butt dialing could be the end of us all. Okay, fine, go back to looking at the jeans.

You Know Who Else Ran a Daycare? Award
Apparently, having Nazi imagery in your house while running a daycare just isn't a good way to keep your business open. It would also be a good idea to avoid militant Flemish materials. What's next, no more open salutes to Stalin? How will the kids learn?

Kids Being Kids Award
In a shocking turn of events, news is breaking about a high school football team using a sexual hand gesture in a team picture. In other breaking developments, water is wet, oxygen is necessary for human life, and old people are old.

Well, that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll catch you on the other side of the weekend. Stay safe out there.