Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of August 31, 2009

Well, this week got itself off to a strange, but we've almost grown to expect those kind of things during state fair times. But we got ourselves back on track, just in time for the upcoming Labor Day weekend. Let's knock these awards off of our "To Do" list, so we can be left with picking up grillables and beer.

Not What We Meant Award
Every once in a while, parents will get together and request that their children be taught about religion. In Canada, this has resulted in students being taught about many different religions, which has angered some Christian parents. After all, we all know that being presented with beliefs other than your own means that yours are being actively dismantled.

Pot? Meet Kettle Award
Saudi Arabian rulers have stepped forward into the news, in the face of PresO's attempts to push green energy. The Saudi contention? Basically, that the US is addicted to oil. Which is largely true, but only because cocaine and marijuana don't power our vehicles anywhere near as well.

Beware Skinny Thighs Award
The thighs are coming. The thighs are coming! And they're going to kill us all. Well, apparently, the thinner your thighs, the higher your likelihood of having cardiovascular problems. Oddly, the exact opposite problem in thighs can show a similarly increasing likelihood of problems, especially if you can attribute them to a state fair diet.

Alien Messiah Award
If you believe that Jesus Christ regularly shows up in potato chips, loaves of bread, swirls of paint, or other mundane items, you might be interested in recent photos from NASA. The photos may display Big JC on the surface of Mars. We see shifting sands, but we do have to admit, the guy probably wants a vacation after all that time in a Pringles can.

Don't Bring a ___ to a ____ Fight Award
This time, the first blank is baseball bat, and the second blank is sword. Interestingly enough, the bat wielder was able to land a cut on the sword wielder. Curse those sharpened bats.

Accidents Happen Award
While accidents do happen, we're not sure on the frequency of a recent accident in Pennsylvania. After all, it certainly isn't every day that we hear about a cannonball being shot into someone's house, and it's even less likely that the situation was unintentional. But that seems to be the case in Uniontown. Because who's got two thumbs and doesn't know to keep the cannon pointed away from homes? That guy.

Got Another One Award
You know you're doing something right in the world of news parody when your article gets picked up by international papers. It's happened again with The Onion, thanks to an article about the moon landing being faked. Besides, everyone knows that the true breaking news ends up with either The Turnip or The Radish.

Well, that wraps up our awards for yet another week. Enjoy the long Labor Day weekend, and, for all intents and purposes, bid summer goodbye. We'll see you next week. Stay safe out there.