Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of August 24, 2009

Welcome to the final Friday for August of 2009. Already, we're looking at the end of summer, and wondering where all of the time went. But no matter, because as soon as we get past autumn, winter, and spring, we'll be able to go through another week or so of summer. So only ten months to wait. In the meantime, we'll get this week's awards fired out for everyone.

Just Relax Award
The British have come up with a way to get parents to go along with their children on roller coasters and other rides. No, they aren't increasing the alcohol provided. Instead, they're providing the parents with the option of being hypnotized. We're not sure how being told you're a chicken who is freezing will help, but we're not the experts.

The First Rule of Spatula Fight Club Award
We're fairly certain the first rule would be that nobody talks about Spatula Fight Club. As for a second rule, might we suggest that fighting can only be done with spatulas. That might keep the level of belt-related injuries down. Does nobody fight with fists anymore, or is it just fighting with spatulas, and that's all?

Not the Brightest Award
We love stories about stupid criminals. We don't often get to see about criminals with highly distinguishing characteristics getting stopped in the middle of their crime, getting away, and then reappearing at the police station asking for a handout. That's what happened to a crook in Illinois, who tried to steal a car, was stopped by the driver, and later went to the police asking for bus money. To make matters worse, the man had different sets of instructions about how to break into a vehicle. If only he would have followed the set that said, "if you fail, don't ask the cops for money".

Right-Wing Comedy Tour Award
When is the most appropriate time to make a joke about hunting a politician? Unless you're Idi Amin, the answer is never. Too bad an Idaho gubernatorial hopeful didn't get that memo after making a joke about taking out hunting tags on Barack Obama. He later said that he never advocated assassination, which is technically true, whether he was joking or not. A hunt implies that the prey might escape.

Looking Pasty Award
It seems like everywhere you look, there another overly-sexualized image being presented to your eyes. Into this atmosphere, it seems bizarre that burlesque, with an emphasis on "tease", would be experiencing a resurgence, and yet that's exactly what's happening. We're sure that there's a joke in there somewhere, but we're, um, busy.

Patterned Award
Sometimes, having a habit can be a good thing, as it can help ground you. Other times, a habit can be a bad thing, like when you rob banks exclusively on Thursdays. In the burglar's defense, however, his "Thursday" underwear were also his lucky bank-robbery underwear.

Presidential Tubes Award
There is a bill being considered in the hallowed halls of government that would allow for additional security measures. Of course, these security measures would be very specific, as they would give the President control over the internet. Given the number of porn sites that were created during the Clinton term of office, we're not sure if this bill isn't already in existence.

Nerdy Cool Award
Seriously, this is just nerdy cool. Someone had too much time on their hands.

That wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be back on Monday, after we've taken the weekend to see if there's a place where the Venn diagram was wrong. Stay safe out there.