Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of August 17, 2009

Friday has once again come to our door, and that means it's time for our awards. Let's get this ball rolling; we're afraid that, if we linger too long, Brett Favre will come and take our jobs.

Who Wears Short Shorts? Award
It must be summer, and reporters must not have enough news to cover. Why else would people be making a big deal out of the notion that Michelle Obama was wearing shorts while leaving Air Force One? If this had been in the dead of winter, or on an expedition to the South Pole, we could understand. If she was wearing the shorts at a state dinner, we'd probably be slamming her for her lack of formality. But wearing comfortable clothes, in August, while simply being herself? Goodness, it's like she's not allowed to be a person anymore.

Timely Award
School is starting soon, so the time for summer vacations is pretty much over. What better time to release a list of the top ten national parks in the country? We can't wait until their big story on ski resorts in April.

Friendly Skies Award
Well, maybe there's a limit to just how friendly those skies should be. Tell that to an Oakland man, who decided that he just didn't want to be clothed anymore while on his flight. We'd hate to think about him returning anything to its original upright and locked position.

Trashed by the Trashed Award
It's a fairly good bet that, when you trash a business and leave blood all over the place, you're probably going to get caught. It's even more likely that you'll be caught if you end up underneath a filing cabinet in the very business you broke into. This is exactly why you won't have nice things.

Doing the Dryer's Work Award
Arizona may have a dry heat, but they also have a very bizarre thief. The crook has apparently stolen dozens of socks from a clothesline in the state, as they were being hung out to dry. Either we're looking at the creation of a new sock puppet acting troupe, or the Maytag repairman has really hit on hard times.

Paying the Heathens Award
For a while now, people have been preparing for the upcoming Rapture. Some people are just making sure to have their affairs in order. Some people are making money off of the whole deal by offering to leave messages for those that don't get to participate. Well, looks like a group of atheists are joining the fun, and offering to accept money to watch after pets left by Raptured owners. Apparently, not all dogs do go to heaven.

And on that note, we're going to wrap up our awards for yet another week. We'll be back next week, after the dust has cleared on the whole purple #4 thing. Stay safe out there.