Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 8, 2009

Here we sit, inching towards the official beginning of summer, wondering where the time has gone. Then we remember that we don't keep a lot of clocks around, and our calendar is still a Dilbert desk version from 2003, and we stop worrying so much. And that's why we've got our awards to keep us rolling right along.

Do You Smell Something? Award
This award is being given to a library in Peoria, Illinois. Seems that the library is looking to expand, but they need to get a little something taken care of, first. That little something? A local graveyard. Peter Venkman and Carol Anne could not be reached for comment.

Bathroom on the Right, Vol. 1 Award
Think about the worst thing that could happen while using a public restroom. Now that you've moved beyond sitting in a stall next to a lactose-intolerant person at the Cheesecake Factory, we've got a different crappy example for you. How about getting beaten up and robbed while taking care of business? To make matters worse, the stall was out of the soft stuff.

Bathroom on the Right, Vol. 2 Award
Our second bathroom story comes from Massachusetts, where a woman decided to join a man in a port-o-potty. The problem? He had taken out a restraining order against her. She was later found in the same car with the man, and claimed that the two had "worked things out". She also claimed that "nothing nasty" happened, because of fear of falling in. However, simply being in a port-o-potty, alone or with another person, pretty much proves that something nasty did indeed happen. Just think of the smell alone...

It's Like Rain on Your Wedding Day Award
Actually, no. It's nothing like that. This story actually has some level of irony to it, as an investigator of identity theft has recently become a victim of a crime. That crime? Naturally, identity theft. Don't you think?

Make Like a Tree Award
The old saying is "make like a tree and leaf." Maybe now it'll become "make like a tree and get married to two men". Two Houston conceptual artists are marrying an oak sapling, in their latest performance. We're certain that this marriage will remain evergreen, with beautiful foliage.

Dig Your Own Hole Award
Some people need to dig. Others, like the subject of this article, just need to grunt. What for? Finding worms for bait. Who said that people didn't have enough hobbies?

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, with more stories and more bizarre connections. Stay safe out there.