Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 9, 2009

Hello, everyone. What a week this has been, right? The arrest of a Ponzi schemer, a long election recount maybe finally being done, and, as always, an influx of foolish and/or drunken individuals doing just what their little hearts can't scream loud enough to not do. Ah, you can tell spring is in the air. So, let's get our awards going.

Looks Like a Duck, Quacks Like a Duck Award
Sometimes, celebrities do things that make us scratch our heads. Well, okay, so that happens a bit more than sometimes. But the latest comes from Mrs. Fresh Prince, who has opened up a private school to instruct children in the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard. But don't worry, because it's not a Scientologist school. Because Hubbard was also known for his forays into anthropology, higher-level math, and chemistry.

Spiderman, Spiderman Award
A paraplegic man recently experienced something akin to a miracle, as he was able to walk again after a spider bit him. Now if he could only get the cute redhead next door to give him the time of day.

My Country or My HOA Award
When you sign an agreement with your Home Owner's Association, it's pretty binding. That means that you can't go around doing what you'd like with your property, if it's something the HOA has bylaws against. That's the problem that a Georgia man is struggling with, after he erected a 14-foot flagpole on his lawn. Because the flagpole attached to his house wasn't big enough. America, land of the free, and home of those who sue over a pole.

Offensive Driving Award
Seriously, there must be something about transporting large quantities of illegal materials that make people drive poorly. Reckless driving resulted in a ticket, and the discovery of 347 bags of heroin. What, were they high or something?

A Taxing Jolt Award
How do you get some more money into your state's coffers during these dark economic times? If you're Utah, you consider taxing caffeine. Always a bold political move, trying to alienate almost everyone in the state. Residents are a little jittery, and having been kept awake at night by the proposal.

Whee!!! Oops Award
In a stunning display of brilliance, a man who had evaded police for 21 years over drug charges was recently arrested. We say "stunning display of brilliance" because he got caught after shining a laser pointer at the police. Wonder if this guy had anything in common with the drivers mentioned just above?

Passing the Blame Award
There are definitely times where you may not be completely responsible for your actions, and your arguments could hold up well if charged with something. One of those times is probably not after a fatal hit-and-run accident, especially if your best excuse is that you suffer from PTSD from being hazed. Although that does explain a lot about some of our college classmates and their performance in class.

Well, that wraps up our awards for another week. We'll be back next week, as we participate in the annual ritual to destroy livers. Stay safe out there.