Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 23, 2009

Here we are, at the end of yet another week. We want to send our thoughts and well-wishes to everyone around the Red River, as they deal with water rising to previously unheard of levels. Much luck to you all up there, throughout this ordeal. And now, on to our awards.

No Vampires Award
You know you may be attending the wrong school when the administration announces that there are no vampires on campus. Not that we'd rest easy at that. After all, vampires are very similar to ninjas, and we all know the likelihood of someone actung a ninja and admitting to it.

Gotta Go Award
We've all heard of strange steps that people are made to take before they can get permission to marry. This is the first time that we've heard about fathers of brides to be asking to see an indoor toilet before giving a blessing. Apparently defecating on the ground just isn't as sexy as it used to be.

Cover Your Bases Award
We've gone over this before, people. If you do something wrong, and try to pin the blame on your involvement with a certain group, make sure you're actually involved in that group. This goes double when you kidnap someone and leave them in the middle of nowhere. That's why so many people have stopped claiming that they are 7-11 employees.

Double Jeopardy Award
What should you do when you're a suspect in the burning of another person? If you're answer is "make sure to not threaten anyone else with lighting them on fire", then you've chosen more wisely than a Massachusetts woman. What's next? Is Mike Tyson going to announce that he might punch someone?

A-(wo)-men Award
Sometimes, things happen in architecture that you just can't predict. A great example of that would be on a cathedral in San Francisco, where a shadow cast by the building resembles a woman's bare breast. And people keep saying that there's no reason to go to churches anymore.

Learn by Watching, then Doing Award
Most of us watch a little television every now and then. Most of us also don't take lessons from television shows, unless those shows are intentionally educational. For the record, "COPS" is not one of those shows. Someone should have told a Florida woman that before she tried a trick that she'd learned watching the show, and was subsequently arrested for shoplifting. Looks like the trick worked, and she would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for those lousy employees keeping an eye on her.

Well, that wraps up our awards for another week. We'll see you next week, hopefully with good news from the Red River area. Stay safe out there.