Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 8, 2008

Another week is ticking past us, and we're going to be absent next week (we might pop in here and there, but no guarantees). So, because of that, we're going to just plow ahead with our awards right away.

Don't Feed the Geese Award
If you live in or around Kansas City, you may have to stop taking afternoon trips into the park to feed Canada geese. The city is thinking about outlawing this practice, because of the increased mess (we're just not crass enough to go there). However, as long as you're feeding America geese, or geese that have secured their green cards, you should be just fine.

World of Dropcraft Award
The FCC commissioner has something to say about a potential cause for college dropouts. Yes, we said "FCC commissioner". No, we don't care that he's not really part of the education field. Anyways, he seems to believe that video game addiction, specifically to something like World of Warcraft, might be a leading cause of students deciding to drop higher education. In response, schools are planning on renaming field trips "raids", and freshmen are now "n00bs".

Elephant Lives Award
In a recent study, scientists have made a discovery sure to shock everyone on the planet. As it turns out, elephants in captivity tend to live shorter lives than elephants left in the wild. Because nothing says longevity quite like being transplanted out of your natural habitat and then being put on display. You know, unless your name is Keith Richards.

I Will Follow Him (Follow Him) Award
Sometimes, it's best just to leave your cell phone in your pocket. Especially when you're being followed by someone shortly after attempting a robbery. Unfortunately, a burglar in Idaho didn't think that way, and called the police to report that he was being followed. By the neighbor of his recent attempted victim. The burglar is now expected to work with OJ to find the "Real Culprits".

The Pope and the Poor Award
You know the global economy has gotten bad when the Pope weighs in on how "self-centered and short-sighted" the financial system is. He even chastises world governments for not doing more to help the poor. If only there was some organization that regularly received millions of dollars every week, and happened to be the home to priceless art...

Christmas Miracle Award
Okay, so maybe it's not a miracle, but the recent weather systems have actually led to snowfall in Texas and New Orleans. In Louisiana, they referred to the snow as being "magical". The same snowfall in Minnesota would have led to people wondering when it'll become winter, as everyone forgets how to drive.

A Use for Sarcasm Award
Well folks, it's finally happened. We may actually be useful, at least to medical science. Not through donating our livers (trust us, that won't work at all). We might be helpful in helping diagnose dementia. According to research done in Australia, many sufferers of dementia find it impossible to properly identify sarcasm. Which definitely makes us wonder about any politician who agrees to a guest spot on The Daily Show or the Colbert Report.

Well, folks, that does it for us this week. We'll be back just prior to Christmas, unless we feel the drive to pop in and deliver more strangeness to your corner of the world. Stay safe out there.