Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 15, 2008

Friday. Another day, another dollar. But hey, it's the end of the week, so we get to roll with our awards posting. So let's get started!

In Soviet Russia, Coupon Cheapens You Award
According to a recent study, you should be careful where you use your coupons. It just might make all of the people near you feel cheap. Instead of frugality, and a sense of trying to make money stretch further, coupons apparently convey an overall attitude of "I'm too good to pay full price for this." It should be noted that this study was conducted in Canada, and they discovered that the better looking the coupon user, the less likely that the stigma will spread. As a direct correlation, every time Amy Winehouse used a coupon, the entire block felt cheaper.

A Buggy Trial Award
Turns out, when you and your fellow deputies raid an Amish community, they may retaliate in very modern ways, with a lawsuit for $35 million. The lawyer for the Amish claimed to be "confused by your modern conveniences." We just wonder if that $35 million is in Amish dollars...

Support Single Moms Award
Some lawyers know all about modern conveniences. Some know so much about them that they try to refresh old customs, such as haggling, or exchanging work for work. Just a tip, though. Don't exchange work with strippers. You know, unless they're putting themselves through law school, in which case you're just giving them sound mentoring advice.

Worst Punishment Ever Award
Well, the punishment itself probably isn't so bad. Sure, the guy has to stay in his house, but, well, he owns a comic book shop. Stereotypically speaking, he's only lost one place to go to. A more fitting punishment might have been to force him to watch the first three Star Wars movies on endless repeat, while trying to analyze their good moment(s).

Anything Cops Can Do Prayer Can Do Better? Award
Have you ever thought that things in your community were just getting too dangerous? Were you concerned about the size of your police force as is? Did you want to take matters into your own (clasped) hands? The community of Burlington, IA did, as they began 40 days of prayer to help curb crime. Jesus was planning a response, but was mugged on the way.

All My Rowdy Candidates Award
It's official. Barack Obama wins! And just what does he win, apart from a year's supply of Turtle Wax? He wins the coveted "Candidate I'd Most Like to Watch Football With" trophy. Meanwhile, John McCain remembers when they didn't use all of those sissy "pads".

Check Mate Award
What do you do when you become a chess Grandmaster at the age of 14? If you're like one particular Russian brunette, you go on to become a model, and use your bikini shoots to promote the game. We can't wait until curling tries the same tactic.

PaCain Award
How do you know it's a bad week for John McCain, aside from the football thing? His running mate has started referring to their campaign as hers. Naturally, McCain responded by calling Tina Fey, thanking her for accepting his request to be the GOP VP nominee.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll see you next Monday. Until then, stay safe out there.