Friday, August 15, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of August 11, 2008

Here we sit, staring Friday in the face. And we can tell you, Friday is one cool customer. Unflinching, and not being the slightest bit inclined to answer any of our questions. So, since we're not getting answers, we're just going to jump into our awards.

Definition of Gifted Award
Want a sure-fire way to get some quick notoriety? Prove just how gifted you are by doing something fairly stupid. For example, a "gifted" student from India, in the middle of an experiment using liquid nitrogen, decided to take a quick swig. Because something that can't be touched with bare hands should obviously be drunk. The true "gift" for this student? Survival.

Ring Ring Ring Ring Award
We love our stupid criminal stories, and yet one that we found today achieves a special place in the cold, bitter recesses of our hearts. After all, it's not quite every day that you read about a burglar breaking in and taking his time with alarms blaring around him. It's even less frequent that they answer the phone call from the alarm company and identify themselves. We expect that the burglar merely thought that they were part of the new FOX series, "America's Most Candidly Punk'd".

Back of a Turtle Award
What is one fact that seems impossible to argue about? If you said that, "The Earth is round", you must not know any Flat Earthers. This society, which lost their leader in 2001, continues to believe that the Earth is more of a disc than a globe, and that circumnavigation is possible by going the long-way around the disc. The group shows no signs of accepting the possibility of a globe, which is crazy, because we all know that the Earth is really much closer in shape to the almighty kumquat, and that it spins on an axis shaped like a bowling pin.

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It's Off to Jail We Go Award
What happens when costumed characters at Disney theme parks decide to protest new work contracts? Well, at least in California, they make a point of doing so in costume, so that people can see cartoon favorites restrained and arrested by the police. Cinemax is expecting to film a documentary starring the arrested Snow White and Tinkerbell.

Antichrist Superstar Award
Well thank goodness. We were starting to get worried there for awhile. With his meteoric rise and incredible global popularity, we entertained the notion. And we prepared to bow down and become subservient to the one that would destroy the world. But, thanks to the writers of the "Left Behind" books, we can now rest assured that he's not actually the Antichrist. Which is exactly what he wanted us all to believe...

Um.... Award
So there's apparently a couple of people in the United States that swear that they happen to have the remains of something elusive. That's right, folks, they've seen a comprehensive foreign policy plan. Or Bigfoot. One of the two.

Do As I Say Award
The recent conflict between Russia and Georgia has brought new levels of rhetoric out of many of the Western world's leaders. Namely, there has been anger from some leaders, included GDub, for Russia's occupation, and refusal to leave immediately as soon as the cease-fire was signed, saying that it's not 1968 anymore. Which is entirely true at the White House, where their calendars still read 1991.

Getting the Bird Award
Well, nobody should ever claim that the Norse don't hold on to tradition. In 1972, an Edinburgh penguin was named an honorary member of the King's Guard. Over the years, other titles were applied, and, when the original penguin died, a new one was given the name and titles. Now on the third leg, the penguin, named after the former King Olav, has taken another step on it's path, having been knighted. At least he was already dressed for the occasion.

And that wraps up our awards for today. We just had to kind of squeak out on that last one, because, well, it's actually a pretty cool story. Bizarre as all heck, but pretty cool. We'll catch you on the other side of the weekend. Stay safe out there.

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