Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 30, 2008

Well, well, well. It's only a Thursday, but since tomorrow is America's birthday, we're probably not going to be anywhere near a computer. Given that, we're going to throw our awards at you a day in advance. So, since we've still got fireworks to buy, let's get rolling.

Job Security Award
It's nice when people can find job security, especially in this struggling economy. When you're a radio host, it can be doubly nice, because the industry changes so quickly to deal with the fickleness of listeners. However, to announce, like Rush Limbaugh did, that you're going to be on the air until "every American agrees with (you)", well, that just seems audacious. Fortunately for radio producers, since Limbaugh will NEVER be off the air, he does seem to recycle themes, so it should be easy to keep recycling shows. Most of his fans will never notice.

Smells Like Ribs Award
There are plenty of things around the average home that can be made into a makeshift disguise. If you're breaking into a place, and you start by dressing in the homeowner's clothes, you might be missing the point. If you follow that by slathering yourself in barbecue sauce, you've definitely found some new complications. We only wonder if the police arrived with Wet-Naps.

Taking it Easy Award
When arrested for possessing child pornography on your computer, there's one defense that you should really never consider; "It was easy to get". A Massachusetts man learned that after trying to explain that he was researching to see how easy it would have been for his children to find the material. Hey, at least the kids are in a similar age range...

The Sound of One Hand Clapping Award
One of the funniest (or most disturbing, depending on your perspective) things in the world is the image of a primate pleasuring itself. It's even funnier when they get caught doing so in public, surrounded by people who have no idea what to expec--- what? Oh, it was a monk, not a monkey? Well, that's just weird.

Stop Allowing Yourself to Be Looked At Award
Imagine that you're the victim of a peeping tom. What can you do to ensure that justice is meted out? Well, a group of women in Seattle were told to fix their blinds, after a peeper's wife defended him, saying he "couldn't help it". Right. Just like celebrities can't help walking around without underwear.

A Piece of the Middle East Award
We have to give this to GDub. After all, he recently finally stepped up and suggested to Israel that they may not really want to bomb Iran. It seems that the US isn't interested in getting involved in a third war. And, gosh darnit. If the US does get involved, we want it to be OUR misguided idea that starts it, not someone else's. Meanwhile, VPCheney is tenting his fingers and practicing saying, "I find your lack of faith disturbing".

Well, that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be back next week, knowing that our country, while older than it's ever been, is still a bit of a petulant teenager on the global stage. Isn't that right, Russia? Anyways, stay safe out there.