Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of July 21, 2008

Here we are, watching another Friday sneak past us. But, before it escapes, we've got some awards to hand out. So, since it seems to have put some wheels under itself, let's get this show going.

Thinking Big Award
There are, of course, dwarfs in the world. And no, we're not talking about the old fantasy standard. Naturally, they face difficulties that people of "normal" height can't imagine, which is why at least one has turned to a life of crime. His defense is that he can't get an actual job, because it's a "tall man's world". He's obviously forgotten about the potential lucrative contracts he could get in the sporting world. No, we're not talking about him being tossed... after all, the WWE could put him to good use.

I Want to Believe Award
Maybe it's all part of an elaborate marketing scheme for the newest X-Files movie, but the man who was the sixth to walk on the moon is saying now that NASA has been covering up the existence of aliens for decades. The astronaut was recently on British radio, admitting the "truth" about extra-terrestrials, and saying that, if they had wanted to, they could have destroyed us by now. In the meantime, in a distant galaxy, a group of scrawny figures are watching a television, laughing, and plotting to kidnap another farmer.

More Tin, Please Award
It only makes sense to follow up a story about aliens with a story about tin foil being used to thwart credit card machines. Sadly, the potential thief didn't realize that his plan would only work until someone climbed on the roof to remove the foil. Meanwhile, people in Roswell, NM, are simply hoping that, if they wrap their heads in the material, they'll be able to get free gas AND stop credit card transmissions.

Barack Me Amadeus Pt One Award
Currently, it seems that there is a bit of a discussion going on as to whether or not the media is "in love" with Barack Obama. At least, that's what the GOP is leaning towards. Of course, it's pretty hard to imagine how anyone could possibly assume such a thing. It's not like the man's ever been compared to the Messiah. Hmm... well, um... we're still fairly certain that McCain's VP choice won't eaten kittens...

Barack Me Amadeus Pt Two Award
While some people are fawning, throwing "Hosannas" and expecting to see Obama lead the American people to the Rapture, Republican media are casting him in a very different light. Specifically? They seem to want to tie Obama to either Mussolini or Hitler. Because, well, only Hitler could pack an outdoor sports stadium. Well, Hitler or Miley Cyrus. Which is terrific, because that could mean that either American mass transit will be on time, or we're going to have to deal with photos of Barack wearing a sheet, exposing his back.

Soy Stops Swimmers Award
For awhile now, people have been talking up the health benefits to soy. True, there are definite benefits, but, until now, a potential health problem was missed (well, except for those who are allergic to soybeans... they've always known about risks). As it turns out, men who ingest soy may be likely to have lower sperm counts. Also, interestingly enough, the effect is even more pronounced in overweight men. But really? How many overweight men really consume that much soy?

Elvis Has Left the Coliseum Award
Elvis Presley definitely left an impact when he died. Little did any of us know that the impact was felt profoundly in Rome. Over 1800 years ago. The stone bust looks so similar to "Fat Elvis" from the end of his career that we can only assume one thing. That assumption, naturally? Ancient Romans loved deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches just as much as the next Visigoth.

My Toof Award
A boy in Brazil is making some level of fame for himself, after becoming the subject of a rare story-type. Not only did he reverse the old "Dog bites man" type of headline, but he also lost a tooth in the incident. Ironically, the tooth he lost was a canine. Needless to say, reporters have been hounding him for more details, but he's been foxy about avoiding giving up too many details, with the information given quickly being wolfed down. Also, the boy now wants steak.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back after the weekend, refreshed, with a nimble mind. Or we'll be back just like usual, with our mind slogging along at it's own pace. Either way, we'll have more stories to bring to you, and we'll continue to keep ourselves out of the Presidential love fest. Besides, Ross Perot stopped returning our calls when his wife got suspicious. Stay safe out there.