Friday, June 13, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 9, 2008

Welcome back to another rollicking Friday recap. Of course, today we're staring Friday the 13th squarely in the jowls, but we aren't afraid of a little superstition. Just to be safe, though, we have made a point out of avoiding black cats, not stepping on cracks, and tossing salt shakers over our shoulders. After all, we wouldn't want to court destruction. So, that being said, let's get rolling with the awards, shall we?

So Much for Checks and Balances Award
So the Supreme Court ruled recently that Guantanamo Bay detainees still have rights, which might stop some of their trials. In a shocking change of policy, the President has backed that statement. Just kidding, folks. He completely disagrees, and is going to plow ahead with the trials anyways. If need be, he'll actually enact new legislation to back up his point. Because, when you're the most popular US President in the history of the 21st century, why should you let some little, out-dated notion like legality or the Constitution stand in your way?

Open Mouth, Insert FOXNews Award
FOXNews is apparently seeing how quickly their staff can respond to errors made by their on-air team as this presidential season heats up. The most recent problem? A message at the bottom of the screen referring to Michelle Obama as "Obama's Baby Mama", which, for the three of you that don't know, isn't a term generally used with a positive connotation. Actually, we completely understand Michelle's complaint with this. "Baby Mama" looked like a terrible movie.

Wrong Speed Stick Award
What do you get when you cross an habitual armpit sniffer with the Singapore police? 14 years in jail and 18 strokes with a cane. It's rumored the man was mentally unstable. Rumored? The man wandered around and molested women by smelling their underarms. If that isn't unstable, then we're afraid to find out what is.

Blame it On the Rain Award
We know that people don't like rain, especially on big event days. It forces many to stay inside, it cancels baseball games, and it gets the dogs paws wet. Rain on a graduation day may cost an Arizona school $400, because they chose to keep the graduation outside (thereby accommodating more guests). The man behind the suit refers to the old Boy Scout motto of "Be Prepared". And yes, we're willing to bet that the man didn't think to bring an umbrella in case of showers.

Immigration Schmimigration Award
At a time when more and more Americans find themselves out of a job due to the troubled state of the economy, we have to look to a New York congressman for the bill that he introduced. If his bill succeeds, it would create up to 1000 new visa slots for immigrant workers. Of course, those workers would be fashion models, but still. Apparently, it's unfair that the models are currently competing in the same pool as doctors and software developers. After all, they may not be able to remove a diseased appendix, but damn, can they walk a catwalk!

Nekkid at the Capitol Award
After talking about women getting paid to wear clothes, it only makes sense to talk about naked women. Naked women all over the place. Appearing front of buildings, inside hallways, and under soft lights. Naked women in our nation's capitol. Naked women that offend a Texas delegate. Naked women that aren't actual women, but sculptures and paintings. After all, when kids can turn on practically any channel on television (or surf to any website with pictures) and see celebrities swearing or bearing things that should be concealed, the first thing we need to do is eliminate bonafide art from the equation. Then we can move on to the troubling concept of dogs playing poker.

You Take The High Road Award
Wow. So very impressive. It's not often that an actor decides that they should remove their name as a candidate for a potential award, because they felt that they didn't actually turn in good enough work to get the credit. After all, actors are such a self-congratulatory lot that they instituted awards shows just to give themselves more awards (yes, we're looking at you, Screen Actors Guild Awards). So major props to Katherine Heigl for taking the stand that she did against her Emmy nomina- what's that? Oh, she blamed the writers of the show? The same writers that she made such a point of supporting during the strike? Um... yeah... about that praise. Um.... we just didn't have good material.

And that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be back on Monday, with more news about fewer celebrities. Until then, stay safe out there.

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