Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 27, 2008

Welcome to Friday. Another week over, another month about to slip past us, and we've been spending time digging through the news to find our awards for this week. Since we just don't have the heart to say farewell to June quite yet, let's get rolling with the awards.

Ladders Is Confusing Award
A man in Hampshire County, England, was recently able to sue his county council for 50,000 pounds after a fall from a ladder. Specifically, he was able to sue because they never instructed him in the ladder's proper use. The courts are lowering his suit by 25%, claiming that he himself had some negligence in the case. After all, these new fangled ladders, what with the rungs spaced out at a gradual height increase, causing one to need to climb as they move from step to step, are just far too confusing for the average person to handle. Maybe they should have held a 6-week intensive training course.

Driver Ready Award
We almost feel bad for the subject of our next story. After all, he really thought that he was getting ahead of the curve when he tried to carjack a vehicle. The only problem? He couldn't put the car into gear. And people said that there's no reason to learn how to drive a manual transmission.

What Do You Want On Your Tombstone? Award
Often, being a prostitute ratting out a pimp gets, at the very least, a few well-placed slaps and possibly a death threat or two. For an Ohio hooker, about to be released thanks to some well-placed tips, it resulted in a pizza. Next time, she's planning on holding out for a free order of Crazy Bread.

Pull Up Your Pants Award
You know that a city's police force have solved all major crime problems when the incoming chief of police decides that his officers need to crack down (pun slightly intended) on baggy pants. In the interest of fairness, we expect to see a future agenda item about pants that start just below the armpits. Thank goodness Flint, MI is so safe.

Stunned By Love Award
A Colorado man recently decided to use some rather unconventional means to try and convince his girlfriend to sleep with him. And by "unconventional means", we mean he threatened her with a stun gun. And he wonders why she would just lie there.

Denial After the Campaign Award
We have to give former DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe some credit; after all, when the man holds onto his ideals, nothing is going to move him from that stance. Proof of that? McAuliffe has claimed that, if she really wanted to, Hillary Clinton could become Pope, saying that she can do anything she wants. Y'know, except for become President in 2008.

That Trick Never Works Award
Maybe it was a clever marketing tool. Maybe it was an attempt at misdirection on the part of the men. However, two men in Grand Rapids, MI have recently been arrested for selling illegal fireworks. The catch? One of the men already had a warrant out for his arrest. Boy, it's a good thing that they didn't have illegal drugs with them, to--- oh, wait. Apparently the man with the warrant decided he wanted to try to take down three birds with one stone. Looks like there are still some overachievers out there in the world.

Not Like Others Award
Finally, it looks like OJ Simpson still hasn't quite gotten a handle on his newest piece of fame. When asked recently about an upcoming trial for his alleged armed robbery, Simpson proceeded to claim that he's only facing trial because of "who he is". Seemingly, the former NFL great believes that other people in his shoes would not face the same kinds of situations. He's probably correct. Almost anyone else trying to flee cops in California (even at low speeds) would at least be sitting in prison, if not worse.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, where we'll learn if a couple of George Carlin's words have become suitable for television audiences. Stay safe out there.