Friday, May 09, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 5, 2008

What a week this has been. From Cinco de Mayo to, um... the week that follows Cinco de Mayo. Right... anyways, there's been plenty going on, and with the weather tuning up, we've even been able to step outside and soak up some sun. But that hasn't stopped us from looking through the news for our awards, so let's get those underway, shall we?

Stoned Out Of Your Skull Award
We're willing to bet that, for as long as marijuana has been around, there have been jokes about what people will use to make bongs. Common substances seem to be fruits, while less common substances include bricks and the occasional asparagus. But there's an extra level of creepy involved when you need to raid a grave to get your materials, like some boys in Texas did. What, was the local head shop fresh out of "tobacco pipes"?

Laugh Along With FOXNews Award
The Project for Excellence in Journalism has released a new report linking "The O'Reilly Factor" with "The Daily Show", stating the neither is a good source for news, but that both serve to reinforce the news that has been ingested through other means. The PEJ also stated that "The Daily Show" makes "some very serious political commentary". Well, that sets the two shows apart right there, although it does explain our desire to laugh uproariously at O'Reilly's program.

Seasonal Donkey Award
When it comes to being outspoken about food, Gordon Ramsay takes the cake. Well, he takes the cake, swears at it, belittles its basic make-up, calls it a donkey, swears at it some more, and then gives it a backhanded compliment, but you know what we mean. Well, now Ramsay is taking aim at restaurants in Great Britain, calling for fines against chefs who serve fruits and vegetables out of season. He also referred to the British as a nation of "lazy eaters". Having tried British cuisine, we can assure you that there is nothing lazy about trying to eat that food.

Hard-Hitting Coverage Award
When looking for plush reporting, without too much shag, look no further than Anchorage. Why? Because they have a detailed expose into the naming of carpet stores. Because nothing trumps the Minnesota Mullet competitions quite like discussing carpet store names. And they've got the deals to prove it.

Timing, People, Timing Award
What's the worst thing that could possibly happen when you construct a tornado shelter for a community? If you guessed that the shelter would be locked during a tornado warning, you know about what happened in Alma, Arkansas. The keys are kept by local police officers, but, in case of an emergency, they may not be able to reach the shelter in time. Citizens of the town are now clamoring for emergency plans to be drawn up for the emergency shelter. Emergency.

Black Magic Women Award
When it comes to staging an inventive anti-war rally, the women of Code Pink definitely know how to do it with style. They started with the traditional signs, and then unfurled a pink banner. Oh yeah, and they employed witchcraft. Which certainly explains why eye of newt wasn't available at our local grocer's freezer for awhile.

Can I See Some ID? Award
There are plenty of cases of identity theft going around this country, but we may have just found one of the weirdest. A man has recently been jailed for spending $3.2 million on cars and other assorted purchases using a photocopy of an ID, and a matching SSN. Yes, a photocopy. We just wonder how he got his ID scanned when buying cigarettes and beer, and we'd hate to think about what would happen if there was a paper jam.

And that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll see you back here on Monday, when (we hope) we'll know the answer to one of the toughest questions currently facing the American citizen. That question being, of course, "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if it was standing on the roof of a church?" Stay safe out there.

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