Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 12, 2008

Here we sit, watching another Friday close out the week, and to be honest, we're a little confused. We're not sure if this is because we've got beautiful weather for the first time in a long time, or because we narrowly avoided getting hit by a baseball earlier in the week, or what, but, for some reason, it just doesn't feel like the week has been quite long enough. Don't get us wrong, we'll definitely take the shorter-feeling week, it's just thrown off our rhythm. Anyway, maybe if we start our awards, we'll be less confused.

Next Time, Call Acme Award
A recent power outage in Albania can be blamed on two culprits. No, not the state of the economy or the weather. This time, the outage can be blamed on a cat and a mouse, who were chasing each other through a power station. No reports yet whether or not this was merely a start to filming the inevitable "Tom and Jerry" live action movie.

The Safe Word is "911" Award
We've heard of some pretty kinky practices during sex play. From using a feather to dripping wax, and all the way to the shocking notion of using "foreplay", they seem to run the gamut. Therefore, it doesn't really surprise us that there are people who find being cut to be erotic. We also weren't surprised when someone got stabbed by an overly enthusiastic partner. The only real shock was that neither of the participants were named Spears or Winehouse.

Not Il Papa Award
As many of you may have heard, California's Supreme Court recently decided that banning gay marriage was unconstitutional. Just in case we had forgotten, though, thanks to the Pope, we have been reminded that the Catholic Church is still adamantly opposed, calling it "immoral". Several Catholic priests later agreed to the opposition, pointing out that, in many states, it's still illegal to marry someone under the age of 14.

In Need of a New Shirt Award
Ah, stupid criminals. We love 'em, the same way that viewers of "America's Funniest Home Videos" love a ball (or a kick, or bat, or chair, or car, or missile) in the crotch. Therefore, we have to love when someone robs their own place of employment. But that's not what sets this story apartment. Oh no, it's the fact that he did it while still wearing his work uniform. Maybe the culprit thought that they'd taken enough sick days to be unrecognizable.

Home Court Disadvantage Award
All sports seem to tout the need for playing at your home location. For a couple of guys in Farmington, Maine, the home court worked against them. The two were playing basketball inside their apartment when they proceeded to hit a sprinkler, raining water down on two businesses on the first floor. However, by proving their ability to hit anything, the men have been offered contracts to play with the Minnesota Timberwolves and the Memphis Grizzlies next season.

The Cream of the Crop Award
How do you get cows to produce more milk? Many people seem to think it involves a complicated procedure of getting them to eat enough materials to produce the dairy product. For a farmer in Iowa, the best plan is to give the cows water beds and flat-screen televisions. The cows are apparently big fans of Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil, which explains why our cheese recently told us how we could be better parents, and why the milk gave away a new car to everyone that opened the refrigerator.

Within Spitting Distance Award
Two Swiss men recently engaged in a spitting competition, trying to see which one could spit further from a balcony. Seems fairly innocent, and a little childish, but no harm, no foul, right? Well, when one of the men decided to get a running start (yes, onto the balcony) to gain some extra distance, the contest ended in tragedy, as he ended up losing his balance and falling to his death. Seriously, people, this is why you don't run on (or at) balconies. If only they'd been playing basketball indoors, this never would have happened.

Cheap Drinks Award
It looks like the state of the economy is finally starting to really hit home for people. You may be wondering what finally was the tipping point. From our perspective it's the notion that, while people are still drinking as much beer as normal, many are switching from higher-priced brews to "economy beers" such as Miller Lite and Pabst Blue Ribbon. And yet, it still costs just as much to be able to wash the horrible taste of their "beer" out of your mouth.

Well, that wraps up our awards for another week. We'll be back next week, possibly with more talk of appeasement, or possibly just with more bickering back and forth along the same sides of the partisan aisle. Actually, knowing what's been happening as of late, we fully expect both. Stay safe out there.