Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of April 28, 2008

Another Friday, and another month has flipped its calendar pages over, allowing the next pre-determined allotment of days to take the forefront. Meanwhile, we've been trying to figure out just why every month can't have some sort of rodent-centric holiday, and that thought has just been gnawing away at our brains. We think that May would sit comfortably with Flying Squirrel Day, but that might just be us. Anyways, on to today's awards.

Stop! Messing with the Signs Award
The poor town of Oak Lawn, Illinois. In an attempt to get people to pay more attention to their various stop signs, they placed smaller, similarly shaped signs underneath with clever sayings (clever from the perspective of city officials). The town recently removed the smaller signs because, if left unchecked, they could have lost their federal transportation funding. Oddly enough, multiple screenings of "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot" can lead to the same result.

Blue Takeover Of Death Award
So, anyone following the tech news knows that something big has been going on this week. That's right, we're talking about the potential buy-out of Yahoo! by Microsoft. Rumors abound that Microsoft is contemplating moving into hostile territory, which obviously means that they are planning on forcing Yahoo! employees to use Vista as their only operating system.

A Lesson About Sharing Award
For years, school children have been taught that sharing is a good thing. Except when it lands you in prison. Apparently, a man who decided to share his Little Debbie snack cake with a fellow inmate violated probation and is being sent to jail, because the man he was sharing with had been denied access to the vending machines. We wonder if he's going to run into the same problem trying to share a Nutty Bar while behind bars.

All (Except for the Guy in the Chevy) Rise Award
America is getting fatter. For proof, simply refer to the fact that a judge recently held court in a parking lot, because the defendant was too obese to walk into the courthouse. The defendant sat in his pickup truck while the judge pronounced his sentence. No word yet on whether Ford, Chevy, or Toyota are planning on using this idea in a commercial. Hummer has already passed, saying that there's no way one of their drivers would have even shown up at court.

Worst Prison Escapee Ever Award
What do you do when you escape from a New Mexico prison in 1982? Well, if you're smart, you don't get arrested again in Texas the same year, unlike some people. That's kind of like quitting McDonald's so that you can work at Burger King. Except we bet that the prison has better benefits.

Mein Plastic Bag Award
It's finally happened. Someone has finally crossed over the final threshold in the ongoing fight to rid the world of plastic bags. A Baltimore city councilman has drawn the connection between using plastic bags while shopping to the Nazi movement. Later connections were drawn between Mussolini and bottled water, and Stalin and the idea of the coupon.

You've Gotta Be Nutz Award
This is a quick follow-up to something from last week. Remember when we mentioned that Florida might be about to ban fake testicles from trucks? Looks like that won't be happening after all. Which is a relief, because the last thing we wanted to see was a bunch of eunuch trucks loitering around, waiting for some sort of automobile harem that they could work at.

A Touching Report Award
You know that the economic situation is serious when the Washington Post profiles how people are saving money at the grocery store. Especially when they highlight someone who can no longer go to multiple stores in one trip and has cut back on the amount of organic food that they purchase. Even more shockingly, the woman may have to cut coupons to save an extra buck or two here and there. We're just surprised that the headline for this article wasn't along the lines of, "Economy Forces Suburbanites Back to Reality".

And that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be back next week, with a dash of whatever it is that keeps us running. In the meantime, take some time out of your busy work schedule to enjoy No Pants Day, but beware of the flying squirrels. Stay safe out there.