Tuesday, March 25, 2008

People are losing

Alright, so anyone that considers themselves to be a regular reader is probably not shocked by the title for today. After all, we tend to spotlight some of the worst representations of our society, and, when we're not talking about politicians, we focus on just your run of the mill genius in moron's clothing.

But today is slightly different. Today, mankind is beaten in both of our stories. Ostensibly, members of our species are being beaten by themselves, and their own foolishness. But we've read the stories. We know the truth. In both examples, man is beaten by an outside force. First gophers, and then his own shadow.

Oh, what halcyon days these truly are for Man. When trying to assert our authority over the animal realm (or, over the creation of a light being cast upon us), we have people walking amongst us that have proven they can fail. And fail spectacularly.

Take the gopher story, for instance. A pair of men, trying to keep the animals from tearing up more of their land, used a device that floods the animals dens with propane and fire. So, naturally, when a hole is found that isn't quite deep enough, common sense would dictate perhaps not using the tool. But not these two stalwart protectors. They decided to continue trying to blast out the smaller animals, and ended up causing almost $200,000 in damages with their uncontained fire. Oh, and nevermind that burning ban in the area they decided to use "The Rodenator".

And that, really, should have been the tipping point right there, people. They were using a device called "The Rodenator". We half expect it to have the words, "I'll be back" scrawled in squirrel on its side. It's like a Baconator, only without the fun of having bacon. Not even Bill Murray had this much bad luck with a furry trespasser.

But before you herald these two for their "accomplishments", we do need to point out our second story. Sure, burning down a bunch of prairie to try and eliminate a couple of gophers is one thing. Getting your condominiums to completely evacuate because of shots fired is another. Especially when the shots are being fired at a shadow.

The people involved in this shooting claimed that they were shot at first. You know, by shadow bullets. It's a good thing that there wasn't a giant shadow butterfly (or worse, a shadow Doberman) nearby, otherwise who knows what else these two might have done. And imagine the carnage if they'd been using blinking Christmas lights. Although it does prove the need for good, all-around track lighting.

Ah yes, folks. That smell you're sniffing right now? That's the smell of millions of brain cells trying to rub together, hoping to create that one little spark that would be enough to keep their host from doing something foolish. And that other smell? That's those same brain cells dying everytime that someone shoots their shadow.

Or, you know, makes claims about a trip to Bosnia.

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