Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 17, 2008

Hello again, everyone, and welcome back for another round of awards. What a week this has been, opening up with green beer and closing out with a white-out (at least, in the Upper Midwest). That's right. Even though spring has ostensibly arrived, we're looking out our windows at a snowstorm. Just like the Easters of old. Anyway, let's move on to the awards, shall we?

Heck, No, We Won't Go Award
Madison Square Garden. A venerable establishment, full of history and thrilling performances. And, apparently, homophobic crowd cheers. Especially during hockey season. Of course, the least welcoming thing about going to MSG for a hockey game? Knowing that you'll have to watch the New York Rangers play.

But She Seemed So Sane Award
By now, everyone has heard about Heather Mills, and her windfall of a few million dollars for having married the correct Beatle. Many have probably heard about her anger towards Sir Paul the Walrus, for his willingness to fly first class while daughter Beatrice sits in coach. So, when Heather turned the other leg and did what she accused the Walrus of doing? Hmm.... And we were pretty sure that she couldn't be more two-faced if her name was Harvey Dent.

Follow the Flow Award
Remember last week when we mentioned the woman stuck to the toilet? Turns out that it all may end up hurting her boyfriend, too. He is charged with mistreatment of a dependant adult. Well, obviously, if she had truly been Depend-ant, she wouldn't have been stuck to the toilet in the first place. But that other issues to light, and, well, we're just going to back away slowly and give a courtesy flush.

Awfully White of Them Award
Alright, who didn't see this one coming? It turns out that the least politically correct phrase from this past year was *drum roll please* the one uttered by Don Imus. Yes, the one that cost him his job. The one where "nappy" wasn't a cutesy way of describing a mid-afternoon activity. And, of course, by recognizing it, we're now all forced to spend at least another week being reminded of its existence. Besides, it's not like Imus has any right to call anyone else "nappy-headed". Okay, maybe Phil Spector. But that's it.

Jesus Brings Us Eggs Award
We still don't really understand the connection between eggs and crucifixion, but maybe everything will be made clearer by this story about the dangers behind decorating and hiding eggs. Wait! That's it! They're both hazardous to our health! Our thank goodness that got cleared up. Now back to waiting for the zombie apocalypse. Or is that bad, too?

No Further Questions Award
When is a sexual assault suspect not able to stand trial? When he's been dead for a month. The suspect, 91, had been previously convicted of sexual assault, and a trial for a new case was just beginning to get started. And yes, we do believe that a Viagra joke writes itself on this one.

Worst Getaway Vehicle Ever Award
All right. We've all heard the stereotypes about cops. No, not the handlebar mustache thing. The donut thing. Even if it is just a joke, what would make some guys think that stealing a donut van would be a good idea? In a sweet conclusion, the bakery donated the donuts to the officers who helped recover the van. In the meantime, their new "Time to Steal the Donuts" ad campaign is being reanalyzed.

First Sign of the Apocalypse Award
We all know that FOXNews has a very definite political slant. Any network that allows Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter both to have regular airtime should admit to their leanings. Which is why we're so shocked to hear about FOXNews anchors upset over Obama-bashing. Is this a fox in sheep's clothing, or an attempt to get in good while they still can? Only time (and plenty of exposes about how sexy is too sexy) will tell.

And, knowing that the world has taken one step closer to ending, we'll wrap up our awards for this week. We'll see you next week, with more springlike weather (we hope). Stay safe out there.