Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 10, 2008

Good afternoon. We hope that everyone has been enjoying the past week, and we especially hope that you've taken advantage of Pi Day. If nothing else, go around in circles for a little while, and consider it a good start. Speaking of circles, let's get our awards started, shall we? We'll even pretend that the winners will receive little round medals.

Sounds Like a Politician Award
Hillary Clinton has been touting her experience on the campaign trail. Now, a former counsel for Bill Clinton is saying that her experience isn't quite what she's built it up to be. He even went so far as to say that her statements are "misleading". Tough words, there. Naturally, we're shocked that any politician would ever twist words to their own advantage. It just seems outside of the realm of the ordinary. Speaking of which...

Fabio in Fatigues Award
Our president, the Great Decider, GDub, the man who declared "Mission Accomplished" a few years early, is showcasing his own talent for words. In recent statements regarding Afghanistan, GDub stated he was "a little envious" of troops serving there, calling the mission "romantic". It was later learned that the President is envious of the troops in the same way that VPCheney is envious of those with hearts and circulatory systems; neither one truly understands what the party they envy is experiencing.

When You've Gotta Go Award
How many times have you found yourself sitting on the toilet for a bit longer than you expected, possibly due to the fatal combination of Taco Johns for lunch and Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs for dinner? How many times have you wished for a good book, to try to take your mind off of things? How often have you pondered what it would be like to sit there for two years? Never on that last one, huh? Well, that puts you a leg up on a Kansas woman, who simply didn't want to leave the restroom. When she finally agreed to leave (at the request of authorities who had been called because "something was wrong"), it was discovered that her skin had actually fused to the seat. And yes, she's bound to become the butt of jokes for at least a few months.

Up, Up, and Oh Crap Award
It seems like people are always trying to find new ways to propose marriage to their loved ones. From hiring a mariachi band to getting plastered on the JumboTron at your favorite sporting event to dropping the ring in a glass of champagne, there are a multitude of different ways to go about asking. One way that might get discouraged in the future is placing the ring inside of a helium balloon. Why do we say discouraged? Ask the guy who watched his ring float away. The man's parents are also now planning on tying the ribbon for the next balloon around the man's wrist, and threatening to not get him any more if he loses this one, too.

Hard-Hitting News Award
There have been plenty of stories about New York Governor Spitzer (or "Client 9") and his alleged mistress. Leave it to CNN to uncover one of the juiciest stories. That's right, the 24-hour cable news network found out that the escort has *gasp* changed her MySpace and Facebook profiles. Because that's never been done by anyone who suddenly achieved fame, either through good or bad means. Meanwhile, Wolf Blitzer's beard keeps sending us "friend requests", but we just don't know it all that well. That, and we're disturbed by the party pictures.

It's a Small World Award
The theme song for the title of our award will hopefully not hold too much meaning for people, if Disney follows through with a potential plan. The theme-park giant is apparently considering creating an adult-oriented park, just north of Animal Kingdom. Let's just say that we're already a little worried about a possible "Sword in the Stone" ride.

Banks, Barns, What's the Difference? Award
Some people have a severe distrust of financial institutions, deciding to stash their money somewhere within their house. In return for a lack of interest, they get a much quicker access to their funds. An Ethiopian farmer recently learned that, if given the choice between his mattress and a haystack, maybe he should use the mattress. After all, it's less likely that his money would get eaten by rats while there. Interestingly enough, the farmer had originally put his money in the haystack to protect it in case his house ever caught fire. You know, because hay isn't flammable.

Live and Let Die Award
A bar in Milford, MA was recently turned down in their pursuit of an adult entertainment license. The reason being? The bar is too close to a residential area. Specifically, the bar is too close to the "residential" cemetery. Look, if your cemetery is also a residential area, either you've got an overabundance of goths, or you're looking at a zombie problem. Either way, maybe a few strippers isn't so bad.

Well, with that talk of strippers, we're wrapping things up for the week. We hope that you have a good weekend, enjoying the warmer temperatures and the flowing green beer (seriously, though, stay away from the green beer and drink something it's natural color), and we'll see you on Tuesday. Sure, we MIGHT get back for Monday, but, thanks to the church, we get to celebrate St. Patrick's Day twice. Stay safe out there!