Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 28

What a week this has been. We've seen presidential hopefuls becoming hopeless in the blink of an eye. We've seen candidates previously at each other's throats warmly embracing. We've seen the zombie of Ron Paul continue to shamble across the country, moaning something about delegates. And let's not forget celebrities and their shenanigans. So let's get our awards rolling.

Jai Guru Indeed Award
Next Monday, in honor of a number of anniversaries, NASA is planning on beaming the Beatles song "Across the Universe" quite literally across the universe. The song will be beamed out to Polaris, and even Sir Paul McCartney is excited about the prospect of having his music heard by extraterrestrial ears. Of course, if NASA wanted the song to be understood, they might have considered sending something that Ringo penned, instead.

Just a Little Pin Prick Award
An acupuncturist in Texas is trying for a second time to get licensed in the state. The trouble that she ran into the first time, and may run into the second time? She's legally blind. Given the fact that acupuncture requires very specific placement, it would seem to us that letting the blind poke you with pins would be akin to letting OJ Simpson give you anger management training.

Va-Va-Va-Voom Award
For many years, the only reason that men cared about women wearing lingerie was because, well, they thought it was being done solely to impress them. For many years, that theory worked, because many men have found themselves impressed by women in sexy undergarments. A graduate student (male, for those of you playing at home) recently determined that women also buy lingerie based off of what other women think. This explains so much about sorority pillow fights.

Let's Go to the Tape Award
Earlier this year, a scandal fell over a beloved American institution. This scandal is now being looked into by one of our senior senators, Arlen Specter (R-PA). That scandal, of course, was the sideline taping done by the New England Patriots early in the NFL season, and fact that the tapes have now been destroyed. While admitting that the revelations will have no bearing on major (or many minor) events working through the halls of government, he stressed the importance of the investigation, to renew the faith of the American people in the National Football League. Because nobody has plans for Sunday night.

Brother Can You Spare A Lawyer? Award
A panhandlers union in Ottawa, Ontario is preparing to sue the city over a fence put up around a bridge underpass, taking away a potential sleeping area from the city's homeless population. Yes, you read that correctly. A panhandlers union. What happens if they go on strike?

Nothing To See Here Award
Pam Anderson, known almost as well for her porn tapes and disastrous marriages as she is for her longtime role on "Baywatch" is set to appear at a Parisian nude revue. Anderson is planning on doing a striptease while atop a Harley Davidson motorcycle. Wait, wasn't that just a scene in "Barb Wire"? And yes, the French have already surrendered to fits of nausea.

How Many Delegates in Botswana? Award
The world is watching the upcoming presidential elections in the United States with great interest. This comes after eight years where the international view of the US has grown steadily poorer, and a number of countries are looking to see who becomes the new Commander in Chief in a hope that they can restore America to a credible position. This explains why there's been a large German push for President Hasselhoff.

Defending Our Borders Award
Let's hear it for the Department of Homeland Security! After years of difficulty establishing better controls at the United States border, they've made great strides in keeping illegals out. Of course, those new controls are at the US-Canada border, but hey, we'll take the little victories. Canada can keep their universal health care, low-cost medications and friendly citizens all to themselves. Can we establish more restrictions around Quebec?

Seemed Like a Bad Idea at the Time Award
A new debit card is offered by Reserve Solutions. Instead of draining your checking or savings account over time, this new card will allow the consumer to borrow directly against their 401(k). That sound you hear is your retirement melting away from $3 service fees.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, by which time we fully expect a new glut of celebrities to be either entering or leaving rehab. We also expect that, for at least a day and a half, the only news we'll see will be about some silly game played with an oblong ball. Stay safe out there.