Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 18, 2008

Well folks, here we are again, watching Friday tick past us. We have moved steadily on from the love that flowed all over the place last week to a week that, in some ways, resembles the misgivings one has the morning after a fling. Sure, it was a fun way to spend a few hours, but is that really how you want to wake up every morning? Before too many of you can answer yes, we're going to get our awards started.

Sexy Beast Award
Of course, some of the big news this week has revolved around sex, which only seems fitting the week after we celebrate love. And the biggest sex story has to be John McCain, and his possible affair with a lobbyist. Part of us applauds the old guy for even having such a rumor flying around him, while part of us is more disgusted by the mere notion. We're pretty certain that it'd be like sleeping with your grandfather, only with a stronger sense of remorse.

We're Not Gonna Take It Award
Speaking of the McCain scandal, leave it to numerous conservative radio and television hosts to come out of the woodwork, slamming the New York Times for even writing such an article. The major affront to them is a lack of corroboration to the story, while still claiming that McCain isn't "conservative" enough. Good to know that FOXNews is going to start using "sources" and other people to back up their stories. Maybe they'll even take the next step, and hire "editors".

Research to the Rescue Award
Once again, Science has pulled through for us, as a recent study into why children play games has released its findings. While the scientists are still looking for deeper sociological and biological reasons as to why, it seems that children play because it's fun. Future studies intend to show that panhandlers beg because they like free money, and people have something to drink because they are thirsty.

At Least It Wasn't a Handicapped Spot Award
Sometimes, people make it a little too easy for the police. Take, for example, the recent story of the drunk driver who parked his car at the police station. The Canadian officers found the man inside the lobby, and promptly arrested him. By many accounts, the man thought he was at a doughnut shop, and was just looking for a little breakfast to soak up all the alcohol he'd imbibed.

Rocky Mountain High Award
Colorado is looking to be yet another state that has finally slipped the shackles of "blue laws", as they appear ready to allow liquor sales on Sundays. If the bill passes, residents of Denver will now be able to react, as opposed to prepare, for a crushing Broncos defeat. Meanwhile, Minnesota continues to stand fast with the, "C'mon, It's Too Cold To Go Outside on Sunday for Beer, Anyway" law.

We Feel Pretty Award
We knew it had to happen sooner or later. After the woman kicked off the plane for wearing too short of a skirt, we now have a story about two women who were treated poorly because they were "too pretty". Within the story itself, mention is made of the behavior of the two women, which was admittedly less than exemplary. The women also believe that the flight attendants may have been jealous, because, "nobody else on the plane looked like us except us". This could also be the script for "The Hottie & the Nottie 2: Soul Plane Boogaloo".

Just Queue It Award
When looking to rob a bank, most people want to just get in, grab the money, and get out in a rush. Not so for a thief in Florida, who waited patiently for his turn in line before demanding the money. And nobody believed Mom when she said that being polite would help us get places.

Alas, Poor Yor-*cough cough* Award
Across Minnesota, bars have been looking to clever ways to help out smokers, ever since a smoking ban went into effect. Mostly, the opening of patios with heaters has helped those needing a quick burn while enjoying their pint. A new loophole (which will probably be closed soon) is allowing smokers back in, as bars are hosting "theater nights" and referring to their patrons as actors. That's right, according to a law, performers are allowed to smoke during shows, so bars are utilizing the loophole to their own advantage. No wonder the last production we saw of "High School Musical" was so lackluster. Humphrey Bogart, Groucho Marx and Popeye could not be reached for comment.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll see you next week, as we take the time to celebrate the extra day that February grants us this year. After that, of course, the annual guessing game that is March. Stay safe out there.