Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 11, 2008

Welcome to Friday, and welcome to the day after Valentine's Day. Yesterday had people all over the place feeling the love, and yes, by love we do mean expensive dinners at overcrowded restaurants coupled with a near-obligation to partake in a romantic comedy of some sort. Us, we kept our eyes on the news, as we always do. Let's get this love affair rolling.

See Joe Pander. Pander, Joe, Pander Award
Joe Lieberman. We actually long to return to a time when we didn't have a story about him within a given week, but the Democrat/Independent/Republican-panderer just keeps himself in the news. This week, we learned that Joe isn't all that opposed to waterboarding, because, well, it's "not like putting burning coals on people's bodies". Sure, he'd like some restraint exercised as to how frequently the technique is used, but he doesn't believe it to be torture. This same technique was called illegal earlier this week by the Justice Department. So it's nice to know that Joe is willing to stand by his views, no matter how wrong they are proven to be. Lieberman also is a fan of putting burning embers on people, because, well, embers aren't quite coals.

Drinking For Two Award
Just when you thought it couldn't possibly happen, a woman in her seventh month of pregnancy has been accused of hitting a bartender with a beer bottle. The reason why? The bar had decided that maybe it was time to cut her off. Well, obviously, nobody puts baby in a corner, or tells it that it's time to stop drinking. Ultrasounds also show the baby already equipped with a cooler and a novelty beer helmet.

Who You Gonna Call? Award
A team of sewer workers in Eastbourne, East Sussex, called in a ghostbuster to help them deal with a suspected zombie in the sewers. An investigation into the area proved nothing, suspecting that it could be just high electromagnetic levels, or it could be an actual haunting. Dan Aykroyd had no comment, but the zombie is quoted as saying, "Nnnhhhhhhhh."

Nicaraguan Patriots Award
It seemed inevitable. The New England Patriots were cruising to an undefeated season, and only the New York Giants stood in their way. So, naturally, t-shirt producers began churning out celebratory "19-0" shirts. And where are those shirts now? Nicaragua, the big recipient of the unwanted shirts. This move is both good and bad. Good, because it delivers clothing to a group of people that might not have had access to it on their own. Bad, because now these children may feel that they were lied to, and that true perfection is unattainable. Good thing a lot of those kids will grow up to play baseball.

Slow Down, You Move To Fast Award
News of a tragic 25-kid pile-up reached us, resulting in many trips to the hospital (or at least the nurse's station) for treatment of various owies. Wait a minute. A 25-kid pile-up? Whatever happened to "Watch where you're going"? If only they had posted a speed limit...

Pot, This is the Kettle Award
A prison psychologist has been cleared of charges after having had sex with a mentally ill inmate. The psychologist reportedly "plans to raise the baby boy with him if he's ever declared safe", making us wonder about her own sanity. Oh well, apparently, those that can, do. In prison. With crazy people. We'll keep our eyes out for recommendations for the prisoner's parole. Meanwhile, Sigmund Freud is still fondling his cigar.

Overtime Schmovertime Award
We all know what it's like to get to the end of our work shift and really feel the need to clock out. Not many of us understand that feeling when you're a good 60 miles away from your destination. And even fewer of us can possibly comprehend that feeling when you're driving a bus full of recent parolees. The driver's time had expired, and they had pulled over, letting the passengers know that another driver was on the way. Nicolas Cage was later seen smirking to himself, but the expression was probably unrelated.

Say Twenty "Our Fathers" and Thirty "Oh Gods" Award
A Florida church is about to propose a fairly radical concept. The church is set to challenge their married parishioners to have sex every day for 30 days, while asking the single ones to abstain for the same period of time. The pastor is looking to help parishioners develop new levels to their relationships. No word on whether or not swinger couples will be asked to select just one partner for the entire thirty days.

And, on that note about a little more physical kind of love, we're going to take our leave. We'll keep our eyes open, though, to see if the love for McCain and Obama continues to sweep through the country, or if Huckabee and Clinton can sweep us away at last call with the promise of an after-party. We'll see you next week. Stay safe out there.