Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 21, 2008

Friday has arrived, and, at least in our part of the country, it's bringing a bit of warmth along with it. This week has featured sub-zero temperatures, hockey losing its shining star to injury, and the departures of both Fred Thompson and Dennis Kucinich from the overcrowded Presidential fields. There's something else that happened, too, but we figure it probably got enough coverage by now. So let's roll along, shall we?

Tearing Down the House Award
Imagine yourself on a beautiful vacation. Now imagine that vacation coming to an end, and you are returning home, aware that there might be a burst pipe or a puddle from a pet. Got that firmly in your mind? Now picture what a Russian woman went through, when she returned from vacation to find that her house had been demolished. The woman was doubly upset to find that Ty Pennington wasn't there with a crew of capable Russian carpenters.

Adding Insult to Injury Award
Okay, so technically the incident in question didn't involve injury, as a driver and a cyclist were involved in an accident in Spain, leaving the cyclist dead. The insult comes from the notion that the driver is suing the dead cyclist's family for the damage done to his vehicle. The driver refers to himself as also being a victim, citing, "you can't fix the lad's problems, but you can fix mine". OJ Simpson has volunteered to find the real driver.

Like Looking for a Castle in a Haystack Award
A man in England decided to take a novel approach to avoid planning regulators. He built a mock castle, and then hid it behind hay bales, all while living inside of his creation. The farmer was attempting to skirt around a regulation that prohibited new building, using a law that allows buildings without planning permission to exist if they receive no objections in four years. Officers in Surrey disagree, saying that the haystack hid the castle well enough that they never knew the castle was there. Others say that they simply don't want to visit the castle, saying that it's a "silly place".

Slow News Day Personified Award
You know that the news is slow when a Wisconsin radio station mentions how cold it is, and that people are travelling south for warmth. Other news that they're looking into include an expose into the fact that night is darker than day, and a story about how zombies have not yet risen to overtake the land.

Wee Willy Winky Award
A serial sex offender decided to try a novel approach to proving his innocence recently in court. While claiming that he was too embarrassed about the size of his manhood to expose himself to women, he proceeded to flash the jury. He was convicted, but, on the up side, is a little prouder of the inches he's packing.

OldSpace Award
High-schoolers are slowly coming to terms with a new concept. That concept? Older generations (specifically their parents) are using MySpace and other social networking sites to know what's going on with their children. The biggest complaint from children seems to be that "friending" their parents leads to showing parts of themselves they may want to keep hidden. Meanwhile, a big complaint from parents is that their teens never bother to clean their cyber rooms.

For Fun It's a Wonderful Toy Award
The worst possible time to slip and fall down the stairs? Quite possibly when you're wearing high explosives, as an Afghani recently learned. We note that the article refers to him as a "would-be suicide bomber". Even though he didn't get to his intended destination, didn't he still kill himself with a bomb? Mission technically accomplished, people.

I Need This Lamp, and This Paddle-Ball Game Award
A man in Painesville, OH was sentenced to an interesting 24-hour sentence after being convicted of stealing from a Salvation Army kettle over the holiday season. He was sentenced to a day of being homeless. Ironically, if the man would be forced to survive another couple of days as a homeless individual, he would become eligible to receive assistance from the Salvation Army.

And that wraps up our posting for this week, everyone. This past week has been something of a blur, and, we're fairly certain that a certain ex-President isn't the only one who slept through part of it. We'll catch you all next week with more stories and more flavor. Stay safe out there.