Thursday, December 27, 2007

The Year End - Part Two

Welcome to day two. Sometimes, we choose to forget that, at our core, we're a news blog. Sure, we like to make fun of the stories that we find, and we sometimes poke a little too much at certain subjects. But, once you wade through the sarcasm and the jokes, you discover that we really are here to help people learn about what's going on in the world.

Doing this, of course, there will always be days like today, where a news item is so shocking and carries such impact that we know it will be covered by others as fully as possible. We don't try to shy away from these events, but we also know that we would do a disservice to not even give a nod. We won't mention specifics, but we will acknowledge the events. And we will use the importance of the news as our guideline for today's list.

Top Ten Headlines We'd Love to See in 2008

10. Voter apathy at all time low
It would be nice to think that this next election cycle, voters will turn out in droves, so that there could be an actual candidate who could claim a majority, as opposed to those who win based off of the majority that vote. And yet, even with the stark polarization of politics for the last decade or so, there are literally millions of potential voters who shy away from the polls, because of either a lack of information, or a lack of belief in the system. There are ways to fix this, we're positive, but those solutions seem to be years away.

9. No celebrity arrests
Wouldn't it be lovely for an entire year to go by without a single celebrity arrested for drug use/abuse, reckless driving, child endangerment, or any of the other multitudes of things we've seen them arrested for? Of course, if they don't get arrested, what on earth can The National Enquirer or Star possibly cover?

8. United States no longer world's protector
With this, we're not saying that the US shouldn't have a role in helping the global community reach new levels of peace. What we are saying is that it would be nice for the United States to stop acting as sheriff, judge, jury, executioner, and embittered loved one all at the same time in every corner of the planet. Of course, given that position that we've put ourselves in globally for decades, the impact of us taking such a stance any time soon would be more harmful than helpful.

7. Middle East achieves lasting peace accord
This is a total pipe dream. Too many people with clashing extremist views in too confined of an area will keep the region boiling and surging. As long as there are more than two nations in the Middle East, there will most likely be conflict. And yes, this is exacerbated by the involvement of other nations.

6. Steroids legalized for professional athletes
We don't actually advocate the usage of these performance-enhancing drugs, especially to help someone cheat at a game that pays them more for 15 minutes than the average worker sees in a year. However, it's become fairly obvious that steroid usage is wide-spread, and isn't going away. Instead of trying to figure out exactly who cheated and how they affected the game, let everyone cheat to once again balance the playing field. Give them the choice, and educate them on the risks, and stop making Congress deal with it.

5. Writer's strike ends; Scripted television stronger than ever
We would love to see the WGA strike end, largely because we really do feel for the writers who are struggling. As a side benefit to this strike ending, we could theoretically see a greater demand for scripted television, forcing reality programming to fall by the wayside. Hey, we can dream, can't we?

4. Oscars clock in under 2 hours
Admittedly, this dream headline doesn't really mesh with the one just above it. But there's only so many forced jokes and uncomfortable pairings that we can take in one night. Condense the show to under 2 hours, remove most of the banter between presenters (or, gasp, let the host be the presenter), and save the extreme self-congratulation for the SAG awards.

3. "American Idol" gets no viewers
Everyone that watched this show regularly complained that the show was a mockery of itself last year with the success of Sanjaya. Prove it by not tuning in. Oh, and for those who will still watch, here's a quick preview. Randy will say nothing of any importance, Paula will be incoherent, and Simon will verbally emasculate every single performer, so that he can bathe in their tears.

2. Christmas Season starts in mid-to-late November
We love the holidays. We're just a little tired of seeing them encroach on other months. At this point, we half-expect to see Santa Claus holding a flag for Labor Day.

1. "Insert Name of Stupid or Foolish Incident Here"
Alright. This one actually has a really good potential for coming true. After all, there will never be a lack of headlines such as "Man Attempts to Outrun Police While on Segway", or "Thief Sues After Broken Glass Cuts Foot". And we wouldn't have it any other way. After all, if those headlines didn't exist, then what would we have to make fun of?

Oh, that's right. There will always be soundbites.

And that wraps up Day Two in our collection of lists. We'll be skipping our weekly awards tomorrow, of course, to continue our collection of lists, but we'll see if we can't throw a bone out to our readers in some way. After all, if it wasn't for you, we would just be writing to ourselves.

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