Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 12, 2007

Welcome to another Friday, the last one before we accept that it's the Christmas shopping season. We've had a short week here, due to vacations and family, but we're ready with another rollicking adventure through the news. Of course, we're also ready for a good cold turkey sandwich, but we've gotta wait until next week for the best kind of those. So let's get these awards rolling!

Is It Hot in Here, Or Is It Just the Fire? Award
It's getting tougher to be a fireman in China, and to enjoy your job while you're at it. Why is that? Well, China just imposed a new series of restrictions, including a ban on accepting "sexual services" as bribes. This new decision certainly makes it seem less likely that firefighters and their clientele will be part of a happy ending.

You're Just Delusional Award
Some people can deny their nerdosity or geekitude with good reason. For example, people would be hard pressed to call Barry Bonds a nerd (although that might have something to do with the whole steroid thing). Meanwhile, others, such as French mathlete Alexis Lemaire can proclaim their lack of nerdiness from every mountain, and it will surely fall on deaf ears. It probably didn't help Lemaire's case when he stated that he couldn't possibly be a nerd, given that he once went on a date with a girl who refused to dress as either a Ferengi or as Princess Leia.

Abraca-Sued Award
Some people will go to the ends of the earth to try and solve their infertility problems. A man from Cyprus went to a local woman for a cure involving an egg, a spoon, a nail, pubic hair, and underpants. He is now suing her for sorcery, which is illegal in Cyprus. Oh, where is the Masked Magician now, to show us all the secrets behind this trick?

Wanted Dead or Alive Award
Mexican drug traffickers raided a police station to recover the body of a fallen comrade recently, presumably so that they wouldn't have to identify themselves when they identified the body. The man had died in a helicopter accident, along with a second, unrecovered body. No word on whether the traffickers plan on a traditional burial, cremation, or the standard "stuff him full of cocaine and claim ignorance at customs" route.

Today, Class, We'll Discuss Anatomy Award
A substitute teacher in Bibb County, GA, had an interesting way of keeping her classes attention. During the fourth grade class, the substitute began to strip, and was undressed from the waist down. After another teacher was informed by some students, the substitute was found to be unresponsive, leading to the belief that she may have been on some sort of medication. According to students in the class, it was the most awesomest day of math class ever. The district has suggested that she not try to substitute again, but she's already made plans to fill in down at the local strip club.

Those ARE Friendly Skies Award
Remember the flyer who was asked to change clothing on a Southwest Airlines flight, because her outfit was too revealing? If only they could have seen the future, where she decided that she would pose naked for Playboy. Oh, wait. We're pretty sure that everyone who heard about that story (and the trauma that Kyla Ebbert went through for the shame of being asked to change her clothes) could have figured out exactly where this was heading. We're just surprised that she went with something relatively classy. We were expecting Hustler all the way.

Just a Jerk Pt. One Award
We really don't have anything funny to say about this next story. All we have to say is, "Stop stealing from Toys for Tots. Jerk."

Just a Jerk Pt. Two Award
And from one jerk to another. We mentioned Barry Bonds before. Did we mention that he recently got indicted? Not for actually doing the drugs, but for lying about the whole situation in court. Oddly enough, when pressed for more information, Bonds could only respond by saying, "If I did it, it really depends on what your definition of steroid use is."

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, as we inch closer to that wonderful prize of turkey, stuffing, and far too much pumpkin pie than is healthy. Stay safe out there.