Friday, September 21, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 17, 2007

Well well well. We've reached the official calendar end of summer, and yet we're all still plugging along. Of course, in Minnesota, summer ends as soon as the State Fair sells its last piece of food-on-a-stick, but that's besides the point. There's still living to do, and the sun is still shining over the fields. If we were more religious, we'd be thanking a certain someone, but, well, He's indisposed. So let's get going with the awards, shall we?

Thou Shalt Not Sue Award
Remember a couple of days ago when we talked about the Nebraska State Senator who sued God? Well, God responded. His main defense? Well, since he created Man, He's not subject to all of the laws of Man. So maybe GDub is in the right when he makes his signing statements, as it's obviously being done by a higher power, as well.

Um, I Guess They Can Marry Award
What's the quickest way to get the mayor of a large city to switch his position on gay marriage? Have his daughter admit to being a lesbian. That's just what happened to San Diego mayor Jerry Sanders, who is now supporting gay marriage. When asked for comment, Sanders said he "decided to lead with his heart", and that he has developed a new found appreciation for the Indigo Girls and KD Lang, although he still doesn't find Ellen DeGeneres all that funny.

But Is She Electable? Award
Speaking of lesbians, Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton has had to spend some time this week denying the rumors that she is a lesbian herself. "It's not true, but it is something that I have no control over," she was quoted as saying. She followed up with a very boastful, "Besides, how many lesbians have balls this big?" Bill could not be reached for comment.

But He Was Trying to Bite Award
When Robert Henry Stahl, 62, gets into a fight, he fights to win. And that's why, when facing an opponent 6 years younger than him, he pulled out one of the nastiest tricks in the book. He stole his opponent's false teeth. The victim, one Billie Townsend, later said, "Mwfef, ak wmaf."

In Soviet Russia, Arctic Claims You Award
Just when you thought that Russia had all of the cold climate and barren landscape that they could ever want, now they want the Arctic. They apparently have a claim to it, too, based on soil samples linking it to Siberia. What does this mean for the rest of the world? Well, longer bread lines at the North Pole, and even more disturbingly hot tennis players.

Let's Hope They Never Learn Text Messaging Award
When visiting the Fuzhou Zoo in China, maybe it's best to keep your cell phone in your pocket. That lesson was learned the hard way by Zheng Dong, who's phone was stolen by monkeys at the zoo. The monkeys, for their part, were able to download their own ring tones within mere moments, but continually selected the "Crazy Frog" tone when given the option.

Gonna Make You Cry Award
A Des Moines man was arrested recently for throwing an onion at his wife. Yes, you read that correctly. An onion. Public figures the world over are complaining that they've been assaulted by an Onion for years, and they've never been given any sort of consideration. Smoove B was unavailable for comment.

Mawwiage Is What Bwings Us Apawt Today Award
A German politician is trying to pass a new law pertaining to the institution of marriage. Taking a cue from a Marilyn Monroe movie, Gabriele Pauli wants Germany to limit marriages to no longer than 7 years. Naturally, couples that want to stay together still could, by renewing their vows every time their marriage expires. Britney Spears feels that such a number is unfair, because she can't imagine doing anything for seven years.

New English Light: Now De-Hyphenated Award
Possibly due to "the Internet age", thousands of words are dropping their hyphens. For example, bumble-bee, ice-cream, and cry-baby have all lost their hyphens. While the hyphen is still necessary in some instance, plenty of other words stand alone just fine, not needing a silly little dash to connect them. But never fear. The hyphen will still find work. You can always see it as the "nose" in an Internet smiley, which means it's more employable than Judge Reinhold.

And that brings us to the end of our little awards post for this week. Next week, we'll be competing with the beginning of the new television season, but we'll find some way to deliver the goods to your monitor. Just wait until sweeps week, is all we've got to say. Stay safe out there.

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