Friday, August 31, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of August 27, 2007

August is about to slink away, but we're not going to let it escape without another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. Sit the kids down and let them get familiarized with the news before they go back to school, so that they've got something to share with their classmates. Everybody strapped in? Alright, here we go.

Taking Our Toys and Going Home Award
We give this to NBC/Universal, for their decision to stop releasing episodes of their television shows on iTunes. The reason for the split? NBC has apparently been unhappy with piracy controls for some time, and feels that Apple hasn't taken proper steps to fix the problems. Now that NBC has made this decision, they can rest assured that nobody will be able to get free versions of their programming at their beck and call through any means, let alone distribute those copies to others. In the meantime, Apple is scrambling to build iTV, with hit shows like "iHeroes", "The iOffice", and "iWelcome Back, Kotter".

What's in a Name Award
Caren Ann Burke may be about to find out that some names don't have quite the same appeal as others, as she undergoes a process to legally change hers to "Caren Ann bin Laden". She is looking to change her name due to a divorce, and apparently thought that "Caren Ann Hitler" was just going a little too far. Well, that, and she didn't like the way that "Caren Ann Satan" sounded.

No More Doubleclicking Award
A Chinese woman, tired of playing second fiddle to video chats and online games, decided to stifle her husband's Internet addiction the only way she could fathom. After severing his right hand, she was arrested, which has led the husband to ask for her release, pointing out that he'd broken a promise which led to her actions. That, and he's tired of it always feeling like a stranger.

Don't Burn That... Yet Award
What activity at the Burning Man Festival could possibly yield criminal charges, and yet be seen by many as kind of a "Huh?" moment? No, not excessive drug use, and certainly not listening to The String Cheese Incident blaring their jam band music everywhere. No, the crime in question was perpetrated by Paul Addis, who lit the festival's namesake effigy on fire. The problem? He did it too early, thereby harshing the mellows of a large group of unwashed, unemployed hippies.

Get Off My Burning Man Festival Award
In response to the outrage caused by the early burning, some B.M. Festival goers have become disillusioned, claiming that the popularity of the festival has led to people forgetting about how it all started, as a celebration of counterculture creativity and spontaneity. In other words, the old unwashed hippies are now sitting around, complaining that the new unwashed hippies don't have the same connection to the true meaning of Burning Man. That connection has been replaced by drugs and nudity, which shames the old hippies. When they see through the haze of pot smoke, that is.

They Make a Calendar for Everything Award
Quick, name one group that has been underappreciated in society, and deserves it's own "Sexiest Men of..." calendar. Ok... time's up. Oh, and if you said "Sexiest Men of the Mortuaries", you're a little late in the game. We're just hoping that Mr. October didn't have to pose with any of the, um, props...

What About the Pirates? Award
Shaolin Temple in China has issued a demand for an apology. The Temple feels that its monks have been slighted, due to an Internet user claiming that a lone ninja had defeated a group of Shaolin monks. The monks are claiming that the story is a complete fabrication. For the record, it was not a lone ninja that defeated the monks, but instead it was a team of superpowered robotic pirate-ninjas, who were possessing of all of the strengths of both Chuck Norris and Bruce Campbell, but none of the weaknesses.

It Doesn't Seem Like You Understand the Concept Award
A while back, we mentioned a story about a burglar who, upon discovering he was in the wrong house, proceeded to ask for a hug. We've found one that tops even that, as he returned to a house he'd burgled to apologize, and return the belongings, along with leaving behind some other items and a note. And we were just starting to wonder what Dustin Diamond was up to these days.

Well, that rounds out our awards for this week, and for the month of August. We'll be back in September, after we enjoy the long Labor Day Weekend. And kids, remember, if your teachers don't quiz you on the stuff you've learned from us, then they need to get out and read more. Stay safe out there.

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