Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of August 13, 2007

Welcome to Friday. Weather patterns have been crazy all over the place as of late, and the news has kept us on our toes. So, before another round of storms threatens to knock down some more trees and disconnect our power, let's get this ball rolling, shall we?

Without Subsidies, How Can They Afford Clothes? Award
This award goes out to the people that produce the Naked News in Japan. The company recently lost a government subsidy that helped them produce the program, which includes a newsreader stripping while delivering headlines in sign language. Supporters have been advocating for the ability for deaf audiences to have access to the same type of programming as viewers that could hear. Because obviously you need to be able to hear to understand the nuances behind a woman stripping while showing the dexterity of her hands. It also explains why a recent headline read, "President Bush Signs Forms for Wireless Removal of Bra".

Does This Shirt Make Me Look Cool? Award
We could ask that question if we can only get our hands on a new type of shirt being produced in, you guessed it, Japan. The shirts come with their own form of air-conditioning, and are equipped with mini-fans and a battery pack. The creator of the shirts has also already admitted that his daughter won't wear one, because of the billowing effect caused by the fans. We think that, perhaps, another reason lies in the notion of trying to accessorize the fans with a good handbag.

Then They Came for the Frowners Award
We all know about the recent laws for airline security as they pertain to things like cigarette lighters and bottled liquids. Well, now you can add frowning to that list, as specially trained security officers will be on the look-out for "micro-expressions" that might indicate an intent for disruptive (and possibly terrorist) behavior. They will be looking for indications of fear or disgust, which, oddly, could both be caused by going to an airport and simply waiting to board your flight. This also explains why our friend, Joe "Shifty Eyes" Nelson can't get on a plane anymore.

The Exodus Award
If recent trends continue, it won't be long before GDub is the only person remaining in his offices, as the recent announcement that an early departure from press secretary Snowball continues the spate of early departures. Of course, Snow's reason for planning to leave are largely financially based. Apparently $168,000/year to lie to the press wasn't enough to support himself, especially in light of the fact that he earned more doing the same thing for FOXNews. At this rate, we half expect Laura to announce that she'll be resigning from her position as First Lady by January.

Check the Job Description Award
When you take a job as a coroner, you can expect that you'll be dealing with dead bodies fairly regularly. And yet, the trauma of dealing with the dead has led a Norfolk coroner to sue the police. While the incident in question was most certainly horrific, the coroner certainly couldn't have expected that every body he would process would be clean and looking as if they were merely sleeping. We expect that we may soon see McDonald's employees suing their bosses, due to having to deal with faulty soda machines and frozen burgers if this continues.

It's So Sad Award
According to Professor Gordon Parker, people are being diagnosed too easily with depression, especially in cases where the patients are merely suffering from normal sadness. An opposing professor, Ian Hickie, says that the relaxed thresholds have actually improved care for the depressed, and allowed more of them to seek treatment. We'll get around to a joke about that, once our Prozac kicks in.

You Better Watch Out Award
In some stores across the country, it's already time to get into that holiday spirit. Correction, for some craft stores, it's been Christmas since June, if not earlier. This does make some sense, when you think about the people that do engage in crafts to make their own holiday decorations. What disturbs us is that the over-commercialism of Christmas is completely stepping on the over-commercialism of Halloween, Independence Day, and Flag Day. Oh right... like you didn't celebrate Flag Day...

And Then We All Bought Our Favorite Albums... Again Award
Last week, we celebrated the birthday of Legos. This week, we turn our attention to the venerable media form, the compact disc. That's right, a mere 25 years ago, which is forever in today's disposable media market, the CD debuted and music lovers across the world began replacing their scratched vinyl versions of "Frampton Comes Alive" and replaced it with a shiny, coaster-sized version of the same album. The downside of the CD? Pot smokers were no longer able to find the double album jackets that were part of their "experience", and it became easier for Yanni to produce an album.

That wraps up our awards for this week. There's always more news out there, but we've got a finite amount of space (and an even more finite attention span), so we're going to duck on out. We'll see everyone on Monday. Stay safe out there.