Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of July 16, 2007

We've reached the middle point of July, and, well, the temperatures and humidity are soaring. Unfortunately, humidity does not equal precipitation, and lawns as far as our eyes can see have been shrivelling under the intense heat. On the flip side, though, this allows us to keep our mowers put safely away, unable to taunt us with their lack of exhaustion. And, well, the news has definitely kept us entertained, as, earlier, we learned that Germany isn't only funny because of their love for David Hasslehoff. Anyway, let's get rolling with this week's awards, shall we?

Balance of Power? What Balance of Power? Award
News reaches us that GDub will be going in for a colonoscopy this weekend. Experts stress that this is a common procedure, but they expect to find the president's approval rating, as well as large portions of his own cranium. In the meantime VPCheney will be in command of the nation. We, of course, will be hiding away in a hastily constructed fort, possibly made of pillows, wondering just what the Veep will do to satisfy his hunger for innocence (or is that "innocents"?).

If I Only Had A (Bigger) Brain Award
Doctors have recently discovered that a Frenchman, who led an altogether normal (albeit short) life, had a mere sliver of brain, due to fluid in his skull. The man, while possessing a less than normal IQ of 75, had a family, and worked as a civil servant. American doctors were only surprised to find out that the man had never run for the highest office in the land, given our own leaders.

Well, At Least It's Not More E-Mail Award
What do you get when you give a bunch of Nigerian schoolchildren $100 laptop computers? If you said Nigerian schoolchildren surfing for porn on those $100 laptops, then you're absolutely correct. The aid group One Laptop Per Child is now planning on putting filters into the computers, to block the porn sites. No wonder Prince Mbutu has started sending requests for pictures of busty blondes, instead of asking us to help him secure his inheritance.

No More Books Award
Upset over the high cost of textbooks, Utah Valley State College professor Ron Hammond has eliminated the textbook requirement from his sociology classes. Literature professors at the campus immediately seized the opportunity to add even more reading to their class agendas. Years later, we'll learn that this was really Hammond's attempt to rebel against the leaks of the newest Harry Potter book.

Calling Too Late Award
A man in Largo, FL, called 911 with an interesting complaint. After an alleged disturbance at a bar, Dana Farrell Shelton called 911, to report that he was "surrounded by Largo police", and requesting assistance. As it turns out, Shelton merely thought that he was surrounded by clones of Sting.

Don't Let the Kids See Award
Sometimes, in order to exact revenge on an ex-lover who has jilted you, the only recourse is to head off into the woods and let someone else take naked photographs. Of course, it's probably not a good idea to do this when you're supposed to be babysitting. Michelle Rendino apparently didn't make this connection, and, when the kids were found crying, they mentioned that she'd gone off to take "nasty pictures". Why, oh why can't we get Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan babysitting jobs?

Little Plastic Castles Award
A Finnish scientist is going to begin a new study, to try and determine if rock music has negative effects on fish. Yes, you read correctly. Fish. The creatures that have little-to-no-memory. Actually, this is a perfect match, because fish are like a fair number of famous rock musicians. After all, who hasn't seen Keith Richards walking around in circles, muttering something about castles and scuba divers?

What Do We Want? Brains! Award
Apparently, according to a new study conducted at the Australian National University, men are happier with smarter women than with the lesser educated. In fact, the more schooling the woman had received, the happier the man tended to be. Women, on the other hand, weren't any more or less happy, based off of their partners education level. This, of course, only partially explains the American First Couple.

Well, that wraps up our awards posts for another week. We'll be doing what we can next week, but we don't make any promises, as an impending surgery will have us full of good hospital-prescribed narcotics. And, well, we aren't a celebrity blog, so we can't get away with writing posts under that influence. Either way, we'll at least be able to start out the week right, provided that we don't melt in the heat between then and now. Stay safe out there.