Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 18, 2007

It's Friday, and, as we close out another week (one that has threatened storms on us, and yet failed to deliver to our own area), we look once again at the news, dissecting it with our scalpel of love. Well, maybe not love. Maybe biting commentary. But hey, who hasn't gotten those two things confused at some point in their lives? Anyways, let's get this ball rolling, shall we?

One of Us... One of, Oh, Nevermind Award
In civics classes, we all learned that there were three branches to our government, the legislative (basically, Congress), the judicial (again, basically the Supreme Court), and the executive (or the White House). News comes this week that VP Cheney has made it clear that, at least as far as he's concerned, the office of the vice president is not part of the executive branch in the slightest, which means that he shouldn't be overseen by a committee that investigates executive branch actions. Ultimately, this would mean that Cheney, as VP, would not have to listen to the Chief Executive, GDub. We're guessing that either a) his kitten battery was running low on power, causing him to say things he didn't intend, or b) like the rest of the country, Cheney has grown tired of pretending to listen to GDub.

Next Up, Vertically Challenged Stars Award
How many times have you heard the term "black hole" and immediately thought about how offensive it could be to African Americans? Okay, stop counting. Now how many times have you heard the term "black hole" and immediately thought about Dane Cook's contribution to comedy? Even so, black holes will now be called "super high gravity locations". The new name was decided on by the International Space Nomenclature Council, which is renaming itself as the Multi-national Non-Earthbound Group in Charge of Naming Things.

This Makes Public Sex a Lot More Difficult Award
Police in Indian Kashmir are focused on a new group of lawbreakers. That group? Teens displaying affection in public. The reasoning is that the teenaged antics fly in the face of traditional Islamic values. If only we could get the same in this country, specifically targetting celebrities that don't seem to understand the value of underwear.

Look Out Below Award
Speaking of sex in public, one spot that sometimes sees a little more action is the roof of a building. A couple of simple rules to follow would be to avoid being near the edge, to be careful about gravel or shingles (just a good idea no matter where you are, really), and definitely don't try the deed on a slanted roof slick with morning dew. Unfortunately, a South Carolina couple forgot that last one. The pair were discovered by a homeless couple sleeping in a nearby garage, who were later heard to mutter, "Those kids and their roof sex. There's a reason we slept in the garage."

It's a Sin Award
Or is it? According to the Pope, and his Ten Commandments of Driving, it's considered a sin to use a car "as a means for outshining other people and arousing a feeling of envy". No surprise here, but Ferrari disagrees. Yeah, tell that to the guy still driving around in the early 80's Volvo.

Who's Your Decorator? Award
Police in Fitchburg, Mass., are investigating a potential grave robber, under suspicion that he stole bones from gravesites to craft ashtrays and pipes. The man has decried the charges as "bogus", but won't comment on his "Ed Gein's Decorating for Dummies" book.

Have You Checked Under the Couch? Award
It's one thing to lose car keys, or a cat. Quite often, those items can be found in a different area of the house, and, if the cat is like most felines, the odds are pretty good that you'll find both items together. It's another thing entirely to lose a lake. Admittedly, the lake didn't get lost so much as drain into the ground through a fissure, but nervous Chileans are taking extra precautions by making extra spare keys, getting another cat, and checking their wading pools for cracks. Meanwhile the Scottish are hoping for a similar phenomenon, if only to finally be able to put to rest the legends of Nessie.

Science Hates Second Children Award
A recent study, conducted by the journal Science (creative name, eh?) has proven that, more often than not, the eldest child of a family has the highest IQ. The difference is marginal, but fairly consistant. We're going to take a quick moment here to point out that GDub is the oldest of his family, and then we're going to alternately panic and weep.

Well, on that bit of slightly depressing news, we wrap up our awards for yet another week. We hope that everyone took the time to enjoy the longest day of the year (in the Northern Hemisphere... sorry Australia) yesterday, and we're already looking ahead to when the number of hours in the day is fewer than the number of awards we hand out on Friday. We'll see you all next week. Stay safe out there.