Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 11, 2007

Well, June has definitely busted out all over our thermometers as of late, with temperatures and humidity soaring, and storms lingering on the outskirts of our radar before fading away into the extreme heat and the ether. And just think, we've only got a few more months of this before the temperature starts to plummet again.

As the weather has gone, so has the news, with things heating up all over the place. So let's get these awards going before any of our subjects have to go in for heat exhaustion.

I Don't Wanna Play Anymore Award
Internet giants Google and EBay used to be pretty good friends. They shared their toys, and it was a healthy relationship. Well, that all changed when Google announced its Checkout service, which would compete directly with PayPal. EBay, unhappy with the development, has decided to respond by pulling their ads from Google sites, even though Checkout has been cancelled. Isn't it just sad when two hugely popular and successful internet companies can't get along? It reminds us of that episode of Happy Days, when the Fonz couldn't stay friends with the other tough kids without becoming a vampire like them. That was Happy Days, right?

Back in a Jiffy-Pop Award
In Seattle, there is a new annoyance/culprit in the workplace. It's leading to emergency response teams being sent out, and complete evacuations of buildings. The cause behind this? Burned microwave popcorn, which may find itself banned from Seattle's municipal buildings. First, they came for the popcorn, and we said nothing. Then they came for the bagels...

How Do You Say "MILF" in Spanish? Award
Are you a mom, looking to show that you've still got what it takes to be a beauty queen? Are you Spanish? If you can say yes to both of those, and you don't want to vie for the title of "Mrs." anything, you can try your luck as a contestant to become Miss Spain. A rule prohibiting mothers from competing for the title has been overturned, delighting many across the country. Donald Trump has expressed glee over the notion, and intends to help as many mothers become beauty queens as possible, and vice versa.

2+2 = Marriage Award
We give this award to 73-year-old Shiv Charan Yadav, who decided in his 30's that he wouldn't marry until he bettered himself, and passed his high school exams. The trouble is that he's no closer after almost 40 years and 38 attempts. Should he actually pass, he wants "to get married to a girl who's under 30". Yadav arrived at that number using his math skills and his belief that his bride should be 5 years younger than he is.

Life Imitates Art Award
With last week's return of the #1 celebutard to jail, we now find ourselves discovering stories about her family visiting. Apparently, her sister (who's just as bright as she is) has recently made the discovery that "It's sad. It's like right out of the movies. The glass partition, the orange jumpsuit. Everything." It's almost as though prison movies had some sort of source material that they could research. Maybe they can even visit different locations to try to lend some authenticity to their stories.

The Lord Shall Set You Free Award
Some prisoners in Papua New Guinea took that notion literally, using a prison church service as cover for their escape. No word yet if the prisoners were later recaptured because of someone known only as J.I. They were denied their dinners three times, however.

Too Much Time On My Hands Award
When you receive a $65 parking ticket, what is a reasonable course of action? Should you pay the ticket? Should you dispute the validity, only to see the fine dropped, and then pay it? Or should you spend $10,000 to get the ticket thrown out? Guess what Sanford Young, a Manhattan lawyer did. In a related story, clients of Sanford Young are about to see higher fees for his services. We should definitely pit this guy against the pants judge in a fight over the craziest legal professional.

I Swear, I Only Paid for the Sex Award
Sometimes, things just aren't going your way. Just ask the 39-year-old Lake City man who hired a prostitute, ran out for some beers, and returned to find her dead in the bathtub. This is so not how Pretty Woman turned out.

And that wraps up our awards for another week. We'll be back next week with more of our observations on what's going on around us, provided that we don't suffocate in our cars as soon as we enter them. Might we suggest plenty of iced coffee and ice cream for everyone this weekend? Don't want any of you melting on us, either. Stay safe out there.