Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of April 23, 2007

Welcome back to another week ending round-up of news stories that piqued our interests. This week we've seen a few stories on text messaging, and we experienced the first presidential debate of the season (just think, only 18 months to go). We also, like just about every single member of the MSM, heard about the horse in the ATM booth. And, really, that's about all the mention we think that story needs. So let's get rolling with this week's awards, shall we?

We Parody, You Decide Award
We give this award to FOXNews, for a recent story they did concerning an incident concerning a prank played on Muslim middle school students. The prank did actually happen, but, unfortunately for FNC, the report that they used to fuel the "FOX & Friends" segments came from a parody news source, much like The Onion. FOX has followed this segment by creating a new program, "Other Stories We Didn't Research", hosted by Neil Cavuto and Bill O'Reilly.

Let's Agree to Agree Award
If anything obvious came out of the Democratic Party debate last night, it's this. The candidates don't like GDub, and are hoping to hold him accountable for the ongoing war in Iraq. They also aren't big fans of VPCheney, and agree that Harry Potter is something of an international phenomenon. Expect the next debate to highlight ways that they would each individually end the war, and mentions of how oxygen is an important part of the air we breathe.

There She Is, Miss Catch a Perv Award
We give this award to Miss America, Lauren Nelson, for helping Long Island police (and America's Most Wanted) nab internet predators, supplying both the commentary, and pictures of herself as a 14-year-old. When arrested, the men all claimed that they could've sworn that the person on the other end of the chat connection was a 63-year-old man. Had they known it was a 20-year-old beauty queen, they never would have said half of the things they said. Nelson, reportedly, didn't find it "skeevy" that men would be attracted to her as a 14-year-old, saying, "Well, I am Miss America."

A Change of View Award
This award is given in honor of the news that Rosie O'Donnell, she of the ridiculous fued with Donald Trump, will be leaving "The View", after failing to renegotiate a contract. Her cohost, Barbara Walters is quoted as saying, "We awe sad that Wosie is weaving." Without O'Donnell on the show, reasons to watch "The View" once again returned to, um... uh... um.....

Do I Still Get the Beer Award
Just as a side note, when you've stolen a cell phone, and someone calls to let you know that you've won free beer, maybe you don't really want to give out your address. Just a thought. In the meantime, we'll be over here, drinking some purchased beer.

It's Like Watching Che- Oh, Nevermind Award
Okay, we admit that television programming has really gone done in quality as of late, but is there really any excuse for the over 1 million people worldwide who are watching cheese age? That's right. Webcam footage of maturing cheddar cheese has drawn viewers from 119 countries since premiering in February. Meanwhile, CBS is in development for an all new reality series, "Watching Paint Dry", featuring contestants vying with each other for the right to paint a wall, and then stare at it until it can get a second coat.

So Much for the China Shop Award
When Mabel Washburn tried to pull into her garage, she was surprised to find a large bull inside. After Washburn called the police, and tried blaring her horn at the animal, the bull eventually wandered into a nearby swamp. When asked about the incident, Washburn said, "I just wish I'd brought my red blanket. I could've lured him out no problem. Oh, and I thought it was Tom from next door at first, because he's really let himself go."

Self-Loathing Defeats Other-Loathing Award
Sure, it's not surprising to know that 38% of Americans have a negative view of the French. It may come as a bit more of a shock that 44% of the French think the same way. But hey, at least France finally has something that they didn't just throw the towel in on.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. With the warming weather (and the impending political storm), we can only look ahead to next week with a sense of both relief and dread. Either way, we're fairly confident that the news will not disappoint us. Besides, next week closes out April, and we can finally move beyond the "showers" part of that old hackneyed rhyme. Stay safe out there.