Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 19, 2007

Spring is in the air, the birds are starting to return from their winter vacations (and a couple of them are sporting nice tans), and the clouds are starting to spit rain as opposed to snow. Our particular corner of the world is being refreshed, even if we can still see lumps of dirt-colored snow lingering. But, just because spring is here and it's a time of rebirth, don't expect that the news world is going to behave in a similar fashion. And, quite honestly, we wouldn't have it any other way. Because as long as the news continues to be as it has been, we'll be able to continue providing posts like these. So let's get this show on the road.

A Report With Teeth Award
We give this award to the team of Costas Efthimiou and Sohang Gandi, for writing up a paper to conclude that vampires simply don't exist, using math. We also give recognition to Clive Thompson of Collision Detection, for applying, admittedly with tongue firmly planted in cheek, that, under the premise of, say, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, there could be, at most 512 vampires, providing that the slayer was able to do a sufficient job per night of keeping the bloodsuckers in check. The math has yet to apply to other parasites, such as the celebutards who keep appearing to suck away a little more of the common man's will to live with every passing moment.

Missing the Comet Award
Not many of us really remember the Heaven's Gate mass suicide from ten years ago. And yet, the LA Weekly has released an interview conducted with Rio DiAngelo, also known as the sole survivor. In part of the interview, DiAngelo explains that there was good reason behind his leaving the rest of the group while they went along their merry Hale-Bopping way. Um, Mr. DiAngleo, just a thought, but could the reason be that you realized that dying to catch a ride from a spaceship hidden behind a comment was a little bit bizarre? No word yet on whether other forgotten flash-in-the-pans, such as Scott Baio, are also planning on resurfacing.

Blame the Editors Award
When Tom DeLay appeard on Hardball with Chris Matthews, he was called out for referring to Rep. Dick Armey (R-TX) as being "drunk with ambition", he immediately denied it. He continued to deny the phrase, even while Matthews pointed out the passage in DeLay's new book. Um, Tom, either you didn't write the book, or that particular passage was written while being "drunk on whiskey". Just a thought.

Blotting Out the Sun Award
A man in Japan was recently arrested for shooting at the apartment building across the street from his house. His reasoning behind the shooting? The building was blocking his sunlight, and he didn't think that the building managers were taking his complaints seriously. Little did he know that the apartment was actually built as a joint venture between C. Montgomery Burns and Lex Luthor, as the two experiment with new ways to cripple their enemies and harness the sun for themselves.

Look, Frank, Red Cheese Award
Researchers at Johns Hopkins University and UC-Santa Barbara have teamed together and brought full-color vision to mice, a development that could lead to helping humans who are color-blind, or who have had brain injuries. More importantly, the mice will now be able to truly enjoy Tom & Jerry cartoons, finally seeing the colors as they were meant to be presented, and bringing a deeper understanding of the subtleties presented within.

A Pill for Everything Award
We give this award to the creators of the new pill that will cause cows and other methane-producing animals to be less, well, gassy. The pill, coupled with a specific diet, will convert the methane into glucose, providing a health benefit to the animals. It will also work to help slow the progress of global warming. No word yet on whether McDonald's and Taco Bell have any plans of altering their menus to counteract the benefits brought about by this pill. We also wouldn't be surprised to see Tom Arnold act as a spokesperson for the drug.

Mr. and Mrs. Award
Recent trends seem to indicate that more and more men are willing to take their wives' last name as their own. This should come as little surprise, as we've also seen a trend recently, culminating with K-Fed, of more and more men willing to take their wives' incomes.

Well, that closes out our awards for this week. The world may have taken a little time to recover from St. Patrick's Day, but it seems to have rounded things out beautifully. We'll be back next week to help usher the month of March away, and slide into April with a song in our hearts. The song may be something chilling and dirge-like, but it'll be a song. Stay safe out there.