Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of 8 January 2007

Welcome back to another rousing round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. We're feeling the good ol' 2007 groove, and we're jumping in with both feet. Sure, we could take some time out to mention the whole sordid Cameron Diaz-Justin Timberlake-Scarlett Johansson thing, but we'd like to think that we're above giving them more press than they need. So let's get rolling, shall we?

Maybe it's Softball Award
This award goes to Chris Matthews, the host of MSNBC's Hardball. At the end of an interview with Tony Snowjob, Matthews declared Snowjob the "best press secretary since Jim Haggerty", press secretay to Pres. Eisenhower. This should come as no surprise, given that Matthews has also recently declared Tony Snow the best name for a press secretary since Jim Haggerty, and that Cookie Crisp is the best breakfast cereal since Jim Haggerty.

When Deciders Decide Award
We give this award to a recent CBS poll that showed that 68 percent of the American people surveyed are uneasy about GDub's ability to make decisions, especially with regards to the Iraq war. To be fair, approximately 64 percent of the American people are uneasy about GDub's ability to put his pants on before his shoes.

Visiting the Midway Award
Even as the applications were in place to the Guinness Book of World Records, officials in Shanghai decided to scrap plans for building the world's largest Ferris wheel, instead deciding to drop a skyscraper in its place. This does allow Jiangxi to still hold hope that their slightly smaller Ferris wheel will be able to pull down the title. In preparation for potentially setting the record, people in Jiangxi are planning to knock down a skyscraper, to make the world's longest Skee-Ball court.

Well, Duh Award
During some downtime between recent interviews, Condoleeza Rice let her preference for news be known, with an unabashed love for FOXNews. Yeah, this is about as shocking as news that Al Franken is a liberal, Bill O'Reilly loves himself, and Janet Reno is now working as a professional wrestler.

We're Still Calling it Soccer Award
So what do you get when you take a Los Angeles sports team, mix it with a internationally celebrated athlete, and then flush a whole bunch of money down the toilet? Other than Shaquille O'Neal during his stint as a Laker? You get David Beckham joining the Galaxy for $250M. You can almost feel as people become slightly apathetic, figuring that soccer will tide them over during the dark month between football and baseball seasons.

Crossing a Line Award
With the battle raging over which format comes out on top, many people are joining the Sony bandwagon, and are willing to start declaring Blu-Ray DVDs as the victors over the other new format, HD DVD. But wait, Sony may have a high-powered opponent, as the porn industry has chosen to side with HD DVD. This thinking is mostly prompted by the fact that HD DVD is more affordable, especially for smaller companies. However, the decision was also made when stars of such titles as Itty Bitty Bang Bang or Shaving Ryan's Privates stated that they didn't want to be seen in blue light.

Patting Our Own Back Award
A few months back, we mentioned that there was an opera being written for Bill O'Reilly, and his loofah-loving antics towards his producer. Then we discovered that we're listed on the press page for the show. It runs this weekend, so hurry! Buy as many tickets as possible! Extend our moment of glory!

Ok... perhaps we got a little too excited with that last bit. Maybe the time has come for us to rest for awhile. Enjoy your MLK weekend, everyone, and remember that we here at the CSM will be waiting for you when we all get back. Until then, stay safe out there.