Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 25, 2006

Well, everyone, 2006 has been one heck of a year for us here at the CSM, and we didn't even get started until halfway through. Who knows what doing this for a full year could hold?

But enough of that navel gazing nonsense. We need to focus, buckle down, and conquer the task at hand. Which, of course, means that, for the final time in 2006, we need to launch into our weekly awards. Let's get it started!

Future Success Now Award
We give this award to Homeland Security Advisor Fran Townsend, for her belief that Osama bin Laden's continued freedom is not a failure. In fact, she classified it a "success that hasn't occurred yet." Other successes yet to occur include putting a colony on Mars, securing North Korean disarmament, and convincing GDub to read the entire report by the Iraq Study Group.

The Mighty Continue to Fall Award
There are those that say that the closing of a web-based fansite is a tragic, yet beautiful moment. True, those that say such things don't count in the many, but they do exist. That will make, for those individuals, January 31, 2007 a tragically beautiful day, as one of the top Britney Spears fansites, WorldofBritney.com closes. And with so many alcohol fueled nipple slips remaining in her career, too. So long, WorldofBritney.com... we hardly knew ye.

Best of Both Worlds Award
This prize easily goes to GDub, for being able to top the AP-AOL poll as both the best villain and best hero of 2006. Just proves that The Decider really does reach across party lines. Honorable mentions for villain included Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, and Karl Rove. Honorable mentions for heroes? Well, the cast of Heroes, which is fitting, given their characters.

Bang Your Head Award
We've got to hand it to the Chinese. Suffering through a slow recovery to their telecom systems in the wake of recent earthquakes, they've found a new way of telling when a quake might strike, by watching a group of head-bangers. No, not metal enthusiasts, but snakes. By observing the snakes, the Chinese scientists can predict an earthquake days in advance. They can also predict another horrifying Poison reunion tour.

Happiness is a Warm Puppy Award
Apparently, in Germany, happiness can also be gathered by selling said warm puppy to a bar owner, in exchange for beer. That's exactly what an unemployed man did while walking his 6-year-old stepdaughter's pet beagle. Funny, we really expected this story to be originating in Ireland, not Germany.

Well, at Least We Know Award
Sometimes, we find out that we needed information we didn't realize we needed. Other times, we learn that the most popular name for dogs in NYC is Max. No word on the most popular name for dogs later redeemed for beer.

Enhancing Stereotypes Award
We give this award to Toxoplasma gondii, which is a parasite apparently found in 40% of the world's population. While dangerous to the unborn and to those with weak immune systems, the overall symptoms of the parasite appear to be causing men to have lower IQs and act more boorish, while women infected with the parasite tend to appear more attractive and confident to the opposite sex. This skews the standard belief that all that was needed to make a woman more attractive was to find a brainy girl, and take off her glasses while letting down her hair.

But He Seemed So Normal Award
This one goes to Mike Tyson, who seemed so normal, refined, and in control until we found out that he was recently arrested for DUI and cocaine possession. Now, we all realize that he's just trying to be like Nicole Richie, but really, the voice already isn't doing him any favors. If only he could find some outlet for his problems... say, boxing, perhaps.

The Canon Is After Me Award
We don't like to admit that, every once in awhile, we surf YouTube. Mostly because 99.9% of the stuff posted on YouTube makes Charlie Sheen look like Lawrence Olivier. That being said, every once in awhile, something brilliant comes across; something that makes us laugh and think. Rob Paravonian has done just that. Enjoy.

Well, that wraps up our final awards for the 2006 calendar year. Remember, it's never too late to make a resolution for the New Year. Our resolution? To keep reading the news while finding the funny, and maybe holding off on shots until AFTER we've updated the CSM. After all, we've gotta balance the coffee somehow. Stay safe out there.