Friday, December 15, 2006

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 11, 2006

First off, let's just get the ball rolling with a quick Happy Holidays to one and all. See, here at CSM, we're equal opportunity in our holiday greetings, not wanting to exclude anyone from our own brand of festive cheer. Well, except for the people who worship goats while standing around a bathtub wearing swim caps and tuxedos. We're just not sure what the heck's going on there, and we don't know how to wish them a happy anything.

Alright... let's move on. Only 30 more shopping minutes until the end of the awards posting!

Hand Me the Remote Award
In a recent study, the US Census Bureau came to the astonishing realization that Americans aren't exercising enough, as evidenced by the fact that they spend on average 10 hours per day watching television, reading a book, or doing some other sedentary activity. Next year, the census will report that American's are also sick of pointless "studies" that tell them what they already know.

The Kids Are Alright Award
In one of the most brilliant public relations moves ever conceived, Al Jazeera allowed themselves to be "skewered" by The Daily Show's Samantha Bee. Specifically, they allowed Bee to interact with newscasters from their (relatively new) English language channel, in an attempt to garner more viewers. By playing with Bee as opposed to against, Al Jazeera may have opened themselves up to wider exposure than they could otherwise have gotten. In a related story, FOXNews is looking to open themselves up to more viewers by having Sean Hannity appear on an episode of The 700 Club.

Like a Baby Award
We give this to GDub, for a comment made during an interview. True, the linked story features a number of comments about Cheney's imminent new granddaughter, but near the end of the article, there's a question regarding how the President sleeps. His response was, "a lot better than people would assume." The only thing about this that should surprise anyone is that GDub didn't answer the question by saying, "On my side with my teddy."

Midnight in the Garden State Award
We only say midnight because, chronologically, midnight is the start of a new day, and it appears that New Jersey is doing just that. The Garden State recently became the third state to allow civil unions between gay and lesbian couples, with Massachusetts being the only state to allow gay marriage. All four states on this particular boat are in the Northeast part of the country, causing people in San Fransisco to all contemplate moving to the opposite corner of the United States at the same time.

Creepy. Just Creepy Award
We give this to Marc Jacobs, fashion designer. Apparently, in attempting to market his newest line of clothes, Jacobs decided that the most appropriate model for his adult fashions was Dakota Fanning. The 12 year-old. Wearing specially made sizes of adult fashions. While being 12. Nevermind the film being produced that includes a rape scene with her. Nevermind that she's being overexposed so much she makes Scarlett Johansson look unemployed. It's just creepy and wrong that this child is being marketed this way. Meanwhile, keep your eyes peeled for the next big thing, as Fanning will be over-the-hill in the Hollywood sense by the time she has to wear her first bra.

Blondes Have More Fun Award
We give this to Tara Conner, who is in danger of losing her Miss USA crown (and, by now, may have already lost it) for "bad behavior". Apparently, the notion of a 20-year old blonde internationally renowned for her looks engaging in questionable moral activities never really occurred to the pageant promoters. Other things that they never realized? Straight men like the images of women in bikinis.

Leveling the Playing Field Award
This award goes to the Hollywood Foreign Press for their Golden Globe nominations, and specifically for proving once and for all that favoritism in Hollywood no longer exists. After all, I'm sure that nominating people in competition with themselves is merely a tactic to make the other nominees stand out more to the voters. Tune in next year, when Clive Owen is nominated four times for best actor, with the fifth nomination going to Owen's body double from The 300.

With that, we just can't really dig any further. Well, we could, but we're getting sleepy. All of the excitement over whether or not we'd get nominated for an award of our own this week kind of took the wind out of our sails. But hey, we don't play favorites, and we made sure to give the awards to the more deserving recipients. Come on back next week, when holiday festivities will undoubtedly be spilling all over the 'net. Until then, stay safe out there.

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