Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 30, 2006

Well, everyone, Halloween has come and past, and that means it's time for another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. There's been a few items that have caught our attention this week, so let's get this ball rolling.

You're Number One Award
A school bus driver has filed a grievance this week for having lost her job back in June. How did she lose her job, you might ask? Why, by giving GDub a "shamefully crass gesture" while driving a busfull of students. The President apparently commented shortly after the incident happened by saying "That one's not a fan." Unfortunately for GDub, he was thinking a ceiling fan, and still believes the bus driver to be a strong supporter of his administration.

I'm Taking My Studio and Going Home Award
After Tom Cruise was let loose from his long-term (and high-cost) contract with Paramount, he decided he was going to play with a new ball, and brokered a deal for himself and partner Paula Wagner to practically run United Artists. Once established by and for artists like Charlie Chaplin and Douglas Fairbanks, this move should bring UA in a new direction. Newly announced pictures coming from UA include "Battlefield Earth 2: Losing More Money", "Dianetics: The Motion Picture", and "L. Ron Hubbard's Cult of Affluence".

Intelligence Reading Award
We give this award to Porter Goss, who, like George Tenet before him, may be following up his departure from the position leading the CIA with a book. While the book has not been confirmed, Goss is also claiming that it will not be a tell-all book. Early guesses as to what the book contains will include sentences like, "After that, I told that he could ." and "Rummy plays a mean banjo."

OMG! Haxx0r3d!!!1! Award
Across the country, people have been worried about the Diebold voting machines that seem to be popping up in districts everywhere. These machines are supposedly, according to Diebold, completely secure in how they transmit the data. Apparently, this isn't completely the truth. Other things that Diebold finds secure include Kryptonite bicycle locks, and leaving your doors unlocked while spending a week in the Bahamas.

A Joke is a Joke Award
We give this to John Kerry, for his "joke" regarding education and laziness of thought. The joke, quite obviously, came across as more of an insult than anything else. However, the words Kerry spoke have already made him the surprise favorite to win in Last Comic Standing 4.

I'm Not... Well... Maybe a Little Award
This goes out to Ted Haggard, pastor of the New Life Church, and one of the more vocal regarding the evils of homosexuality. Apparently, Haggard is currently being accused of having paid a male escort for both a homosexual affair, and for drug use. Haggard immediately denied the claims, then proceeded to place himself on leave from the Church and admitted that some of what has been said is true. Who would've thought that a person holding a position of power within a church would ever have sexual contact with their same gender? It's just shocking, I tell ya.

Bombs in the Tubes Award
Given how the administration uses "the Google", it's not much of a shock to learn that there has been an incredible resource for those looking to put together nuclear technology. That resource? A government run website. This site, recently taken down, included information about how to put together your own nuclear bomb. Iran and North Korea were both quoted as saying, "Oh crap. And we did all that work, too. We KNEW we should've just googled 'nuclear bomb'."

How to Lose an Election in 10 Days Award
This award goes to Mike Hatch, current attorney general and gubernatorial candidate in the state of Minnesota, not for his running mates lack of knowledge of E-85, but for his own verbal explosions, ranging from claiming that there's a cabal trying to keep him out of office to calling a reporter "Republican whore". Hatch, of course, insists that he called the reporter a "hack" instead. In related news, Mel Gibson is now saying that he never said "sugartits" when arrested. What he said instead was "succulent melons".

Around the World with Borat Award
In one of our rare pieces of praise, we have to hand it to Sasha Baron Cohen, the man behind Borat. Not only has he proceeded to appear on practically every show ever created, including a surprise double appearance both on "To Tell the Truth" and "The Dick Cavett Show", but he has continued to lure people into believing that he is truly a reporter from a (relatively) backwards nation. Take a chance this weekend to watch as the inevitable backlash occurs, and guess how long it'll be before Parisite Hilton starts talking about the time Borat got her to ride a pony, a la Catherine the Great.

Well, that does it for another weekly round-up of stories that piqued our interest. Come back next week when we get to discuss how the election results have played out and watch the candidates that don't think the votes were representative of the people (Lieberman, we're looking at you). Stay safe out there.