Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 6, 2006

Welcome once again to our awards posting, here at the Coffee-Soaked Mind. This week, we've seen an election come and go, and watched as a new balance of power has taken over the ranks of government. But that's far from all we've seen, so let's get this ball rolling.

A Little Hasty Award
With the fact that Democrats have now taken control of both the House of Representatives and the Senate, it seems like MSNBC may be jumping all over themselves in a flurry of being a little quick on the trigger. Their most recent poll is a fine example. Tomorrow, the news organization is planning on putting up a new poll... "What did you think of Studio 60 on Monday, 11/13?"

Better Late Than Never Award
Earlier this week, GDub was given the task of announcing the resignation of "Gin" Rummy. Now that he's resigned, Rumsfeld has admitted that the war in Iraq hasn't been going "well enough or fast enough." Admittedly, it's plausible that Rumsfeld wasn't describing the war effort, but was actually talking about other things. Other possible subjects include his severance package, the martini he ordered at the bar, or the resignation of deceptive and incompetent people from positions of power.

Zombies in Office Award
It's not often when the dead can win elections, but it does happen. Just recently, in North Carolina, a dead man won a place on the Soil and Water Conservation board by 12,000 votes, although apparently many didn't know he was dead. During his acceptance speech, Sam Duncan was quoted as saying, "I feel strongly about the condition of our environment.... brains...... and want to ensure.... ghhhhhhh..... for years to come."

Borat Backlash Award
The backlash against the movie and character continue, as two frat boys have now filed a lawsuit, claiming that they were misrepresented when they signed their official release form. They also claim that they were plied with liquor both before and during their interview for the film, and later paid a paltry sum of $200/person. This is appalling to think about. After all, who knew that now you have to start paying frat boys to get them to drink excessively?

Jesus Has Left the Camp Award
The summer camp featured in the documentary Jesus Camp, and had been visited in the past by disgraced preacher Ted Haggard, will be shutting its doors for a few years. Apparently, they no longer consider themselves to be a "safe ministry". The camp also doesn't understand why people would think that they were brainwashing children. Children who had previously attended the camp all were quoted as saying, "The Fire Center is awesome. Ted Haggard didn't do any gay stuff. We love George Bush," followed by unintelligible gibberish, said to be spoken in tongues.

Greater Absorbency Award
Tony Snow gets this award, for his recent press conference on how GDub has been handling the election returns. Snow is quoted as saying, "The President doesn't absorb a rejection." Other things that the President doesn't absorb include basic addition, water spilt on the kitchen floor, or actual pronunciation.

Munchian Tribute Award
We give this to Jon Stewart and Howard Dean, for the appearance on The Daily Show where Stewart tried to goad Dean into once again letting loose his campaign-destroying scream. Dean, to his benefit, let slip a little "booyah." Other times the Dean has loosed the scream have included when he found an awesome parking spot, and when he realized his favorite breakfast cereal was on sale.

One Loss Leads to Another Award
In Rhode Island, defeated senator Lincoln Chafee not only lost the election. He may have lost his faith in the Republican Party. Chafee is being asked if he is planning on leaving the GOP to become either a Democrat or an Independent. It should also be noted that this week, Chafee also lost his pet turtle, an arrangement of flowers, and his car keys. The keys were eventually found underneath a couch cushion. He will be checking the loveseat for his faith in the GOP.

Think of the Children Award
Due to his upcoming divorce from Britney Spears, K-Fed (who many have already christened Fed-Ex) is now attempting to make sure he continues to get some money from Spears. He's asking for custody of both children. Of course, Federline has already renamed both children "Meal Ticket" in an attempt to show fatherly concern.

Running with Rock, Paper, Scissors Award
Oh those wacky Canadians. They once again prove themselves to be on the leading edge of the sporting world by holding an international rock, paper, scissors tournament, with a grand prize of C$10,000. The world hasn't paid this much attention to Canada since the last curling championships, or the last time Celine Dion escaped from her usual captivity to perform another heart-pounding rendition of her songs.

Good Night and Good Luck Award
We can think of no other person who deserves this award more than Ed Bradley, and, as we've never met him personally, we can think of no better way to honor him. The consummate journalist passed away recently, and proved himself in a class all his own. May the spirit of Edward R. Murrow go with him.

That sums up our awards for this week. Thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you next week. Stay safe out there.