Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 23, 2006

Welcome back to another round of our weekly awards. This week, with the holiday looming, we're going to put a bit of a Halloween spin on the awards. Yes, we know that Halloween isn't until Tuesday, but we want to be slightly ahead of the blogosphere on this one. Without further ado, let's get the skull rolling.

Toil and Trouble Award
News from the NRCC is that they are spending over 90% of their total advertising budget running negative campaign ads. Of course, this should come as no surprise to anyone who's actually ingested any form of media over the last month or so. Upcoming spots will, of course, cast Hillary Clinton as a treacherous, plastic surgery-created vampire, and Amy Klobuchar will be accused of feasting on the souls of children. The downside is that GDub will get scared of the boogeyman and hide in the Oval Office for the next month.

Ain't Nothing But a Race Thing Award
This goes out to Tony Snow, everyone's favorite talking head, for thinking he's a bit "quaint" in not seeing the big deal over the outcry regarding the racist ads run in Tennessee. Snow firmly believes that the race card is always pulled when African American candidates run for office. Other things that Snow believes include that zombies exist in small communities in Michigan, and that kittens make excellent sandwich fixings.

Attack of the Living Kazakhs Award
Borat is gaining momentum with only a week to go before the movie opens. Now a Kazakh comic is planning on visiting London to get comic justice on Sasha Baron Cohen, creator of Borat, for his portrayal of Kazakhstan. Jantemir Baimukhamedov is supposedly planning on bring Cohen's mother horse sausage and urine, to fuel his revenge and prove that Kazakhstan is not a backwards nation. Of course, first Baimukhamedov has to figure out how to fuel his sheep-powered wagon and find ways to express his desire "for to be making the funny".

Asking for It Award
Kevin Federline recently made a statement regarding how people feel about him. Specifically, he said, "If you want to hate me, cool, hate me." Unfortunately for the world as a whole, the reporter K-Fed spoke to didn't have the guts to admit that we already do.

Full Moon Award
No, this isn't what you're thinking. This goes out to the change in views expressed by Hillary Clinton regarding same-sex marriage. Whereas 2000 featured Hillary very opposed to the concept, she is now willing to embrace those who support it. Other changes Hillary has undergone over the past 6 years include a willingness to let a werewolf finally visit New York after it's done touring Paris and London, and a nod towards plastic surgery, by saying, "You know, maybe it would keep Bill around more if I at least did some botox."

It's a Doppelganger Award
This goes out to the Ohio Republican Party, for running a photo of Al Franken wearing a diaper and bunny ears. Problem is, the photo was obviously a composite, and obviously a fake. Other images that did not receive coverage included Keith Olbermann sucking his thumb while wearing overalls, Bill Clinton playing teeball with Roger, and, in a rare positive image for the GOP, placing Ann Coulter's head on the body of a woman.
Honorable mention goes to Elizabeth Hasselback, for finally rubbing enough brain cells together to realize that someone was making fun of her.

It's Only Torture if The Other Guy's Crying Award
We give this to VPCheney, for his admission of using the technique called "waterboarding" in the interrogation of criminals. Of course, Cheney doesn't feel that waterboarding is torture in the slightest, just a harsh form of interrogation. In all fairness, the VP didn't think waterboarding was torture when he first invented it, all while a young page slaving away for noteriety within the Spanish Inquisition.

Good Idea, Bad Idea Award
We give this to the United Nations. Good idea? Placing a peacekeeping force between Israel and Lebanon. Bad idea? Using Germans as the main peacekeepers. After all, there's not much love lost between Israel and Germany, and, as anyone who happens to have a Jewish grandmother knows, the Israelites have a notoriously long memory. Although it is a step up from the other proposed peacekeeping force... Syria.

Well, that wraps us up for another week. Have a good weekend, don't worry too much about what goes bump in the night, and stay safe out there.