Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 15, 2006

Welcome back for another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards, where we try and skewer as many stories as possible in a short span of time. Let's get things underway...

Don't Ask, Don't Vote Award
Republicans are coming out of the closet, so to speak, to make it known that they aren't anti-homosexual. As it turns out, they aren't really against gay rights, they just have to act, speak, and legislate that way because "that's where the votes are". In other news, the GOP is also going to come out as being in favor of limiting our role in Iraq, and of being against corporate kickbacks. Also, they don't truly think they are the party of God, but they are told to act that way by the Archangel Gabriel.

Our Hole's Bigger Than Your Hole Award
The hole in the ozone layer isn't getting any smaller. Even though the chemicals thought responsible for the hole were phased out twenty years ago, the hole has grown to about the size of North America. Finally, we have something to brag about at the Interplanetary Reunion, while we continue to laugh at Pluto's relocation to the children's table.

Well Duh Award
This award title could almost become a weekly feature. This time around we hand it out to the National Bureau of Economic Research, who released a study letting us know that FOXNews has influence over how people vote. This is due, at least partially, to the highly slanted style of "fair and balanced" that FOXNews presents (both "fair" and "balanced" being trademarks of the GOP). The author of the report even mentions that FOXNews may have "induced a general ideological shift." Future studies from the NBER include "Thumbs; Making Us Different Than Gerbils" and "Whatever Happened to Wendy's 'Where's The Beef' Campaign?"

Now You See It Award
Scientists have announced that they've created a sort of invisibility cloak, which works by deflecting light away from the object it's concealing. So far, they've been able to mostly shield a cylinder from microwaves, all while leaving a small shadow. Said scientists are, of course, trying to work on perfecting actual invisibility. After they achieve their goal, the individuals working on this technology may finally find out what the inside of a woman's bedroom looks like.

I'm So Sowwy Award
Kim Jong Il, the star of Team America: World Police, has announced that he is sorry for the nuclear weapons test. He even made mention that he may return to the negotiating table. Meanwhile, his aides are continuing the rhetoric that they will mount an offensive if sanctions get too harsh. Maybe they all need to get together into a well-choreographed, but ultimately stiff and puppet-like, dance number. Then maybe Kim won't be so "wonwy".

Run Away Award
We give this to Katherine Harris, who is not only slated to lose the seat she is campaigning hard in Florida for, but may lose many other seats in the deal. Harris is purportedly planning on selling her Washington, D.C. house to raise funds for her campaign. In all honesty, she is probably selling the house because she realizes the futility of her campaign, and doesn't foresee the need to spend much time in the nation's capitol.

Read My Lips Award
We give this to Sen. Mike DeWine (R-OH), for uttering those fatal words while standing by a debunked campaign ad. DeWine's assertion is that the ad is completely true, ignoring all the facts that prove him otherwise. Others who have said those words before a total lie include Paris Hilton, who said it before she announced her year of celibacy, and Mahatma Ghandi, before he swore he would "totally beat the ass of anyone who stepped on his sandals again."

It Worked For "The Office" Award
CBS has announced that it is the next network to bring over a non-game show from the UK. The import this time? The quirky, hard to classify "Viva Blackpool!". Hugh Jackman is listed as a possible guest star/executive producer. CBS is obviously hoping to gain the success of "The Office", while avoiding the pitfalls of "Coupling". Not wanting to be left out, ABC is looking to bring over "Benny Hill", and cast Andy Dick as the star.

The Passion of Madonna Award
NBC is going to be airing a special of Madonna's newest concert. Of course, the scene that drew the most ire during her tour, the crucifixion scene, will not be getting airtime. NBC, who recently let go of 700 staffers, is obviously trying to keep viewership from dropping them below even the CW in ratings. However, with some of the "sketches" used on NBC's "Studio 60 from the Sunset Strip" (and I use the word sketches loosely), NBC may want to consider reinserting Madonna on a cross, if only to allow Aaron Sorkin to write another almost funny bit about Christianity. Of course, as we all remember, Madonna already did the flogging reenactment years ago.

Is She Gone Yet? Award
I am an unabashed fan of Scarlett Johansson. I freely admit this. By the same token, isn't it time for her to take a bit of a break and let some other starlets soak up some silver screen time? Seriously, it seems like ever since Lost in Translation, she's had a movie in theaters almost every week. With The Prestige opening today, she adds another one to her belt. Future projects include another 17,203 films, guest appearances on every television show ever created (watch for her appearance in episode three of "I Love Lucy") and black market slave trades.

Well, that wraps up yet another week of awards. Thanks for joining us yet again as we stomp our way through the world's events. We hope you enjoyed your stay. Stay safe out there.