Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 8, 2006

Welcome back to another round of our weekly awards. Let's get this ball rolling.

ZOMG! P4wnz3d n00b! Teh sux0rz! Award
To everyone involved in the ongoing Foley instant message scandal. It's almost like none of these people have ever seen the internet (which, as we were all informed over the summer, is a series of tubes). Recent information points out that the FBI would have been involved in this investigation a lot earlier, but they were busy pretending to be 16 year old girls, thereby dropping the ball.

Freudian Slip of the Tongue Award
This goes out to Keith Olbermann, for saying exactly what most of America was thinking regarding the Paris Hilton/Shanna Moakler "fight", but doing it through captions. Unfortunately, Keith seems to have forgotten that he's on MSNBC, and not on ESPN or even Comedy Central. Ultimately, Mr. Olbermann may be in trouble with FOXNews, who is upset that they didn't come up with the "A Slut and Battery" angle first. Well, O'Reilly did, but he settled out of court.

And They Didn't Even Buy Dinner Award
This goes out to Christopher Shays (R-Conn, Bridgeport), who defended the actions taken at Abu Ghraib prison as not torture, but instead a "sex ring". Rep. Shays also believes that shooting someone is not attempted murder, but a simple game of laser tag gone a little wild.

Stand By Your Man Award
This goes out to GDub, for standing firmly in the idea that House Speaker Dennis Hastert is a boon to not only the GOP, but to the country as a whole. The Decider was quoted as saying, "He's not one of these Washington politicians who spews a lot of hot air. He just gets the job done." Thankfully, this statement is coming from an authority on spewing a lot of hot air.

Understating the Obvious Award
This award goes out to new British army chief Gen. Richard Dannatt, who was recently commenting that the presence of British forces is provoking violence in Iraq, not stemming the tide. Other things that Dannatt has been quoted as saying are, "the polar ice caps are bloody cold," and "the English like their tea."

Me, Too Award
We give this to Madonna, for attempting to be more like Angelina Jolie and adopting a Malawian baby. In an obvious publicity stunt, the Material Girl ensured that plenty of "news" organizations knew of her every move planning to adopt. It is somewhat heartening to hear that the 1 year-old child has already taken to referring to Kabbalah as, "better than scientology, but just as wacky."

Private Parts Award
The RNC recently made a goof, and let slip a list of personal information for top GOP donors in an email to the New York Sun, amongst others. This causes many to wonder about the security precautions being taken by the party who has championed extra security measures since 2001. As for the reporter who received the email, they did the noble thing, and of course made a point of setting up interviews with some of the people on the list. Other measures the RNC has taken include setting all telephones to the "speaker phone" option, and offering the eBay accounts of top donors to other top donors.

Black Like Me Award
We hand this to Angelina Jolie, for her insistence on refusing to accept the notion that black-face stopped being popular decades ago. Jolie is slated to play Mariane Pearl, who is half-black, in an upcoming movie. To help the film, they've even darkened Jolie's naturally pale skin tone. This casting move is being followed by news that Danny Glover will be playing Brendan Behan in a film about the Irish dramatist. There's also rumors that Britney Spears is being talked to about playing someone with class.

Queer Eye for the Commander Guy Award
We grant this award to NBC's Kevin Corke, who was able to get the Decider to compliment his fashion sense by wearing a pinstripe suit in the press corps. It's nice to know that, with the threat of North Korea looming around the corner and scandal bursting out all over Washington, D.C., GDub can still take some time out of his busy schedule to admire another man's suit. Looks like the Fab Five may have a sixth in a couple of years.

That wraps up our awards for this week. Sure, there was a lot more that happened, but our brains our fried. Chalk it up to being Friday the 13th. Avoid black cats, ladders, and broken mirrors, and stay safe out there.