Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 2, 2006

Welcome back for another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. Let's get this thing rolling.

Stopping the Buck Award
The recipient of this award is one Dennis Hastert, leader of the Republicans in the House of Representatives. When the Foley scandal was announced, Hastert quickly said that he accepts responsibility. But not at the cost of his job, no matter what others may say. Hastert also accepts personal responsibility for the scuff in the door of your car, so long as it doesn't affect his insurance quote, and the high price of caviar.

I Want It All Award
To Google, Inc. for making plans to purchase YouTube for the price of $1.6B. This would ultimately be a win-win for both companies, as YouTube would gain Google's infrastructure, and Google would gain a wealth of videos showcasing people smacking themselves in the crotch.

Backdoor Fundraising Award
This goes out to VP Cheney, for his efforts to covertly raise money for George Allen. This comes shortly after much of the GOP turned their backs on Allen and his racially charged history. When asked for comment, the VP said, "What? He's white and he's not gay. What's the big deal?"

How Bad is Bad Award
We give this award to Rep. Don Sherwood (R-Pennsylvania) for running a television commercial admitting an affair, but denying having abused his mistress. Sherwood's next commercial will be an admission of having taken LSD, but denying having climbed a tree thinking he was a flying squirrel while on it.

Maybe a Few Left Behind Award
This goes out to Neil Bush, brother of the Decider, for seeing a marketing opportunity within the No Child Left Behind Act. He's rolling out packages containing curriculums that are purported to help students pass the NCLB tests. The biggest shame is that GDub himself needed two of the "curriculums on wheels" to get 50% on the testing.

How Low Can You Go Award
This award is presented to the Vatican, and specifically to Pope Benedict XVI, for the notion currently swirling around regarding the elimination of the concept of Limbo, thereby changing centuries of Catholic doctrine. The unbaptized babies of the Limbo plane are currently organizing a revolution to rename the entire place The People's Republic of Limbo.

We'll Clean That Up in Post Award
FOXNews is the winner of this particular prize for their coverage during the O'Reilly Factor concerning former congressman Mark Foley. During a live broadcast, FOXNews identified the Republican as having been a Democrat. Not to wind up with egg on their faces over the incident, they repaired their mistake... by leaving all signifiers off for the rebroadcast. To be fair, CNN has taken to referring to Joe Lieberman as a Republican.

Better Homes and Hair Award
This award goes to Bill Clinton and Jon Bon Jovi, for joining forces to help rebuild neighborhoods in Philadelphia. This is a good sign for the city of Philadelphia, and shows that some celebrities are willing to give back to the community. In other news, neighborhood bars have been packed with young hopefuls, expecting to "give back" a little of their own to the former President and/or Bon Jovi frontman.

That's all we've got for this week, folks. Tune in next week as we return to our full schedule. Stay safe out there.