Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 14, 2009

Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the net, news articles were flying, some about pets. No, we couldn't help it. Not this year, at least. Maybe next year. Anyways, we're back with our awards for this week, and we've got a sleighful for you. So let's get started.

Timely Award
Way to go out on a limb, Michigan. Your governor has recently declared that January shall be "Snow Sports Month". This is an attempt to get Michigan residents to go out and experience winter weather, and experience new winter activities. Meanwhile, Minnesota is planning something similar, but they are putting their events in May.

Duck and Cover Award
If you receive a text message telling you that you should duck, it might not be a bad idea to pay attention to it. Just ask some people in Des Moines, Iowa, who were given some advance notice about a drive-by shooting through just such a message. Just a note for all you would-be criminals out there, it often works against you to let your victims know what you're planning. But it does make it easier for the police, so knock yourself out.

Tis the Season for Stupid Texts Award
So, after seeing a potential drive-by shooting thwarted by too much text messaging, we just have to stay in a similar vein. Except this time, the text message was sent as a joke, and it lead to a police response. This is why you should never text that there's a person with a gun at the bank. Committing a felony while waiting in line for a teller? Yes, there is an app for that.

Somebody's Watching Award
Irony seems to be making a bit of a resurgence this holiday season, as an anti-whaling group is now complaining that they can't do their job because, and get this, they're being followed and harassed by another ship. In retaliation for an acoustic weapon being used against the anti-whaling group's helicopter, they are deliberately steering the other ship towards icebergs. After all, the holiday season is all about trying to cause accidents that lead to untimely deaths.

Green Pleasure Award
There was a big summit in Copenhagen over the past week, discussing global emissions, and finding ways to help save the environment. Naturally, what better time for a company to discuss their first "green" sex toys then at the tail end of that week. Because, apparently, being environmentally conscious should feel incredible.

Happy Holidays Pt. One Award
What's a sure-fire way to get your neighbors talking about your holiday decorations? Depict Jesus blasting Santa with a shotgun. Looks like someone got tired of hearing, "This is for your birthday AND for Christmas".

Happy Holidays Pt. Two Award
Look out, Santa. When you're not being gunned down by the Messiah, you're coming under fire for your health habits. Obviously, the man who's belly shakes "like a bowlful of jelly" may not be the person to look towards if you're watching your weight, but it still seems a bit insane for health experts to weigh in, so to speak, on the issue. It seems that they believe Santa should ditch the sleigh for biking or walking, and no more cookies for the Jolly Old Elf. The Cookie Monster couldn't be reached for comment.

Well, on that note, we wrap up our awards for yet another week. We'll have something to throw onto the fire next week. Until then, stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 11, 2009

The holiday feeling is in the air, and we're finding stories full of gift-giving, good cheer, and Santas doing sweet things for starving orphans. Oh, if only that were true. Hey, at least we aren't being saddled with story after story relating how people are bludgeoning others all for the sake of that one-of-a-kind Tickle-Me-Blu-Ray death laser. Well, not yet. So let's get rolling with our awards.

Irony, Thy Name is *Thud* Award
What could possibly be worse than hitting a blind man with your car while backing out of a parking spot? Admitting that you "didn't see him". Next thing you know, this woman will be complaining about having ten thousand spoons.

Feeling the Olympic Spirit Award
You know how there are logos that are incredibly iconic? Logos so well known that people know what they represent, whether words are present or not? Yeah, it's probably not the best thing idea to put any of those logos onto Ecstasy pills. Either that, or it's the best idea ever. Suddenly, previous Olympic opening ceremonies make more sense.

Feeling the Collector's Spirit Award
As a tie-in to our story above, we also have a story about a Dutch man who collected Ecstasy pills for over twenty years. The problem? The pills were recently stolen from his home. The bigger problem? Some of the pills might be poisoned. Whatever happens, we're fairly certain this collection is a lot more fun than one of stamps.

Getting Tested Award
Sporting events have included tests for performance-enhancing drugs for years. So it should come as no shock that even the world of competitive eating needs to fight the demons of people getting a bit of an edge. So be thankful that this year, for the World Pie Eating Championships, competitors will be checked randomly for things like cough medicine. After all, we'd certainly hope that anyone entering into a competition like this wouldn't have a serious cold, or it might make the whole thing a little more disgusting.

It Was Only a Matter of Time Award
Some things are just bound to happen. Winter will come. Every piece of your childhood will be turned into a big-budget Hollywood disaster. The uprising of the robot overlords, or the uprising of the zombie apocalypse. So when those things do happen, people shouldn't be surprised in the slightest. Heck, we're shocked it took this long for the first of Tiger Woods' alleged mistresses to come forward with the announcement that she was interested in posing for Playboy. Now if she was talking about posing for Hustler, we might have a story.

*Cough Cough* Wow, Dude Award
This is why we need to teach our children that reading is fundamental. After all, we've pretty much proven that people are going to continue to use illegal drugs. And, society has proven that people are also going to look for "legal" ways to get the same high, without the fears of legal trouble. But when the "legal" alternative to marijuana involves an incense complete with the words "not for human consumption" on the packaging, it might be good for kids to know exactly what those particular combinations of letters mean. This is why warning labels exist, people.

And that wraps up our awards for another week. We'll see you next week, hopefully with more of what we mentioned in the first paragraph, but more likely more of what we detailed throughout the rest of the post. Stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 30, 2009

Just a few short weeks away from the end of the year, where, if tradition strikes us and once again takes hold, we'll be presenting our Year End Lists. In the meantime, we're back with another round up of our awards for the week. Let's get the ball rolling.

Going Straight Award
Have you ever really wanted to kill someone? Actually, never mind. We just don't want to know that badly (but a quick thanks to anyone reading us in prison!). Anyways, we're pretty sure that people who have been in that position often find themselves there because they were wronged, or because they've been walking down a path towards a life of crime anyways. We'd hate to think that there are a few people who have committed such a crime because of hair care products, but hey, sometimes you really need to get that straightener back. Imagine what might have happened if extension had been involved.

Stay Off Your Own Lawn Award
Bet you never thought that you could find yourself under arrest for trespassing on your own property. A Wisconsin man had that exact thing happen to him recently, after a dispute with a work crew installing a pipeline through his land. This is exactly why we so rarely leave the comfort of our bedroom.

Burn, Baby, Burn Award
Let's say that you find out your husband is potentially cheating on you. Do you get revenge by having an affair of your own? Maybe performing a little surgery? Setting his private parts on fire? Guys, seriously, this is a concern. So maybe try to be a little faithful... not all of you will get beaten up with your own golf clubs.

A Generous Thanks Award
It isn't every day that a would-be robber can be reformed with a simple act of kindness, but a store owner in New York was rewarded for doing just that. After stopping a man from robbing him, the store owner gave the culprit some cash and some food. He has since received a letter of thanks, and a return on his investment. Sometimes, it really does pay to have faith in the inherent goodness of people.

Lost in Translation Award
One would hope that, if they ever are forced to go to court for a crime, they will be able to speak the language of the judge. If not, they should certainly hope that they'll receive a translator who doesn't skew your answers. That didn't happen for a Laotian immigrant in a Nevada court of law, but, even with the errors, the evidence was enough to uphold the decision. And this is why we never plan on committing crimes in foreign countries. We have enough problems with English.

Cut and Cut Award
Be careful when filming your low budget movie. You might get the police called on you. That's what happened for a group filming a horror movie in California, as the screams of an actress drew concern from people in the area. Another option might be to let as much of the immediate area know that a movie is being shot there, but then you run the risk of having your craft services raided by well-meaning, but hungry, suburbanites.

Heavage? Really? Award
Thank you, Wall Street Journal. Thank you for the in-depth reporting. Thanks for covering what matters. Thanks for letting us know that more men are wearing "chest-baring" shirts, and that the term for such a display has been coined as "heavage". Where else could we find such useful information, short of looking at the supermarket tabloids, or the celebrity magazines. We're proud to see such high class information coming from such an esteemed news organization.

That wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll see you next Friday. Stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 16, 2009

Fridays tend to sneak up on us, even when it feels like we've been stuck in the longest week ever. But that's alright, because we've got awards to hand out. After all, it keeps us on our toes, and allows us to refocus before the weekend. So let's get down to business.

I Feel Pretty Award
It seems like every once in awhile, we'll find a story about a burglar who does things their own way. This particular time, their own way apparently involves stealing clothes from their neighbor, and attempting to wear them in the process. Notably, the man was found wearing just some of his neighbor's undergarments while digging through her laundry. Obviously he was just trying to find a dress that wouldn't reveal too much of the bra.

How Not to Be Found Award
If you're trying to keep a low profile, we suggest not driving a car with your last name as the personalized license plate. Unless, of course, your name could be mistaken for something else. Even then, you might want to at least consider adding a couple of numbers or something.

The Camera Adds Twenty Pounds, Removes Disabilities Award
How can you be sure that you'll continue receiving disability payments, or at least be able to keep the ones you've already received? Kind of like when you're on the run from the police, you should keep a low profile. Appearing on a television show doesn't really help to that end. Unless, of course, your disability is a crippling addiction to the craft services table.

Yahtzee! Award
How many of you have played a game, found out that it wasn't as exciting as you were hoping, and decided to change rules to spice it up a bit? How many of you have included rules to make the game into a "strip" version? How many have done so with Yahtzee? After a rousing game of "Strip Yahtzee", a woman went off with an ex-boyfriend, got caught by her current boyfriend, and claimed rape, only to later be charged with false informing. Looks like things quickly turned into "Strip Clue".

Anti-Grinch Award
Imagine coming home to discover that your house has been broken into. Now imagine discovering that the crooks didn't steal anything, but instead set up Christmas decorations. No word on whether or not a 6-foot tall man with curly hair and a green costume was seen near the scene.

Give Until It Hurts Award
Good: Setting up a fundraiser to help out victims of a hit-and-run accident. Bad: Siphoning money from said fundraiser. Worst: Using siphoned funds to bail out hit-and-run suspect. Meanwhile, other villains are seen twirling their mustaches and taking notes.

McDefense Award
What's the craziest reasoning someone could come up with when fighting a drunk driving charge? Sure, it might have something do with zombies wearing chicken wings as loincloths, but it might also have to do with being able to convince fast food employees to give you lunch during breakfast hours. Because we all know how much of sticklers those minimum wage earners are for appropriate meal times.

That wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be out next week, overdosing on turkey and more turkey, but we'll see you in December.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 9, 2009

Welcome back for more awards. We're still mulling over what to do Monday-Thursday, but it seems like the awards are here to stay. So sit back and enjoy.

Sexual Emergency Award
We get it. Sometimes, people just need to try and find someone to sleep with. And, well, when you aren't in a committed relationship, it can be difficult to do so, which is often where the booty call comes into play. Just don't call 911 about it, even if you've run out of cell minutes. Seriously, just watch a couple of videos online, or head out to a bar or something. Oh, and if you've already called once, don't think it's a good idea to call again. You got lucky the first time.

Pity Them Award
Did you go to an elite, potentially Ivy League college? No? Then you probably wouldn't understand why they need to have their own variants on the "F My Life" trend. After all, not everyone can truly see the sorrow in "Martini only had two olives, not the three I asked for. FML".

Training Award
How do you prepare your employees for an armed robbery? Why not stage one? While effective, it might have been smarter to wait until the customers were gone. Or, you know, used video and hand-outs.

A Real Doll Award
A woman found a way to cope with her boyfriend having been deployed. She went out and got herself the next best thing, by purchasing a "high class" inflatable boyfriend. No word on whether or not he's just full of hot air, but it has been noticed that he doesn't cook or clean. In many ways, that makes him like just about every other boyfriend in the world.

I Said It Was A Free Kick Award
People get into heated arguments and fist fights over the game of soccer, but it isn't every day that an argument about a soccer match results in a gunshot. It's even less common when the soccer match is on the television. Yes, alcohol was a factor. No, it wasn't what got the men to watch soccer in the first place.

Pretty Sneaky Award
This may come as a surprise to people, but the police don't seem to key simply off of the clothing worn. A man in Allentown learned this for himself, after changing his clothes, and still finding himself under arrest. Given some of the descriptions given to police, it's probably good that they have taken time to look at other things, like evidence and clues.

Not Yours Award
Let's say that you come home to find a roommate, or perhaps a lover, asleep, curled around a bottle of alcohol. Most people would probably take the bottle away, possibly disposing of it. Most others, if they were the ones asleep, would wake, realize what happened, and go about their business. A woman in Michigan decided that she needed to draw a knife after her husband threw away her vodka bottle. Talk about an angry drunk.

Well, that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll see you next week, with another pile of random news events. Stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 2, 2009

Hello, everyone. Things have been quiet here on the CSM, for a couple of reasons. We've been busier with non-CSM things, and we're contemplating maybe taking the blog in a new direction. But, well, in the meantime, we'll at least try to commit to getting something up every once in awhile. Like today, where we come back with a bevy of awards. Let's dive in.

Clothes for Hide and Seek Award
This should come as a shock to nobody, but some people outside of the military wear camouflage clothes. This group of people can include children, which apparently makes some parents uneasy. However, people shouldn't worry about camo-wearing kids, unless they also start applying face paint to help them blend in better. In which case, be ready to get jumped by a roving gang of 5-year-olds.

Playing in Traffic Award
Speaking of children, sometimes they play in areas that are hazardous to them. We like to call most of those areas "playgrounds", but we digress. The worst place for kids to play? In the middle of the street, while their drunk father sleeps. But don't worry, after the kids were found the first time, child protection services were called. Sure, the dad fell asleep and the kids wandered away before CPS got there, but it's the thought that counts. Right?

Bad Idea/Bad Idea Award
We know we've gone over this before, people. If someone steals your marijuana, don't call the police. And definitely don't make it worse by then driving drunk, trying to find the culprit. Next time, seriously, only call if your munchies are stolen, and then stay home.

Dress for Success Award
We don't really know how to dress when planning on committing a crime. We would assume that choosing something non-descript would be a good plan, possibly opting for dark colors. We might also advocate in favor of something to conceal or distort the face. We definitely would not suggest a High School Musical blanket. You know, not unless you want to have to explain to your cellmate all about Zac Efron.

Way Ahead of You Award
Thank goodness the Parents Television Council exists. If it wasn't for them urging people not to watch an upcoming episode of "Gossip Girl" on the CW, something tragic might have happened. For example, people might have realized that the CW television network still exists.

Bottoms Up Award
How often do people really look at online advertising? Probably more than you'd imagine. After all, just about every one of us could probably recreate with little prompting the crazy dancing silhouettes selling car insurance. So that could be why some advertisers decide to get a little risque with their promotions. Some people, however, feel that the ads are akin to soft core porn. Listen, if people wanted to find porn of any kind on the internet, they certainly won't click on someone's advertisement... at least, not as a first resort.

Just Gimme a Kiss Award
As it turns out, kissing may only have roots in some sort of base stimulation, at least for women. Apparently, kissing can help a woman actually improve her immune system. With the recent H1N1 outbreak, it seems like now would be a perfect time to test that theory.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. Thanks for stopping by, and we'll see you when we see you. Stay safe out there.

Rough first day on the job?

Think back to the worst first day you ever experienced on a job. No matter how bad it was, there's a good chance that a Utah man will have had a worse day than you. In fact, there's a good chance that he's had the worst first day in the history of employment.

After all, how many times have you found yourself kidnapped by your trainer?

That's what happened to a man who was starting his new career at a commercial baking company. His trainer suggested that they take a break a couple of hours into the shift. So the two took their break, got into a car, and headed to a nearby gas station to get something to drink. Then, the car turned away from work, and the driver started talking about his life, and his problems. It wasn't until the passenger was allowed out of the car to use the restroom that things started to turn around for him.

While we've definitely had jobs that we've wanted to leave on the first day, we've never gotten to the point where we find ourselves kidnapping new hires. The worst that we can see ourselves doing would be warning people about the soul crushing that they're bound to experience.

Of course, for many people, warning them won't do any good. The new job will at least carry a different style of despair than a previous job.

And sometimes variety is enough.